Mourning for what never was

My father passed away on Father's day weekend. It was unexpected. He hadn't been sick or in the hospital. He just went to bed and didn't wake up. He was 65. 

I wasn't sure how to feel about the news. I hadn't seen my dad in nine years. How are you suppose to grieve for an estranged parent? My first reaction was shocked numbness. I didn't really feel anything. And then I wept. My husband held me as I cried. I didn't really cry for the lose of a father. I couldn't really miss something I haven't had for the majority of my life. I mourned for the loss of what could have been...what should have been.

My parents divorced when I was ten. There were weekend visits with my dad, completely facilitated by my mom. My dad spent most of those weekends drinking with his friends, leaving us kids to our own devices. He lived on a 100 acres of land...I guess he figured we couldn't get into much trouble on our own. Between that and the missed holidays, it didn't take long for me to begin to understand that this whole fathering business just wasn't for my dad. And by the time I was seventeen, my dad had left the state...and he didn't leave a forwarding address. That pretty much put a period on my relationship with my dad.

I was angry at him for a really long time.

But my dad was who he was. I just wish that who he was would have had something to do with me or any of his kids. He never saw the need to change himself, or grow himself, to fit the role of "Father". And that is what I mourn for. The fact that he couldn't step up into the roll of being the dad we deserved.

For as often as I might say my dad was a terrible dad, I could also tell you that he was a great guy. Sometimes I wish I could have known him outside of a father-daughter dynamic. He was funny and easy going. He had a big smile and a great laugh. He enjoyed fishing, his rum and coke, and his smokes. He was true to himself, always.

Here's to health, peace, and prosperity

Today I have my once a year doctors visit. It is literally the only time I see my primary care physician. Or any physician, actually.  I didn't really want to come. It's not something I look forward to.  I did seriously consider rescheduling, for next year...or maybe the year after that.

But, here I am. And I know I'll dutifully schedule next years appointment before I leave..like I always do.

Because I know there are so many that can't go to the doctor unless they are gravely ill, if even then. Never mind the luxury of a yearly wellness check. I know there are so many people out there that have chronic issues that require so many doctor visits, so much poking and prodding all of the time. Once a year would seem like a dream to them.

So I have to be real with myself. I am fortunate. I'm lucky that I even have a PCP at all. I'm lucky that this once a year appointment costs me nothing. I'm lucky that this small inconvenience only has to happen once a year. I am really lucky to be a relatively healthy person all around. 

After my appointment is over (and I've scheduled next years appointment) I am taking myself for a smoothie....to toast to my good health and all my many blessings.

Dear Target...we need to talk

Target...I love you, I do. And sometimes we have to be tough on those we love. Please remember....this all comes from a place of love.

There use to be a day when any time anyone paid me a compliment on my shoes I could proudly tell them I found the shoes at Target. Never mind that the Target we have here in little ol' nowhere Texas is THE SMALLEST TARGET to grace this green earth. And the shoe department is laughably miniscule.  How it always seems to remain in a state of utter disarray is a mystery to me. Even with those black marks against my local Target, I knew that if I hit it just right or dug around long enough, I could walk away with a pair of cute, on trend shoes that would stay in style of many seasons.  It would appear those days might be coming to an end.

Because I'm seeing an alarming trend. The fashion of the shoes available at Target are...well...they are...um...how do I say this....

They are just ugly. Ok. Like, really ugly.

I mean...what is even happening here. It's like someone took some ugly plastic flowers and super glued them on to some old soccer slip ons. Don't know what I'm talking about? Go google 'soccer slip on sandals'. I'll wait.

Uh huh. Exactly.

Is this fashion? Or an after school craft project?

Someone saved the carpet from Grandma's bathroom and decided to tie it on some slip on shoes. No. Just no.

I've already lived (survived?) the 80's once. I am NOT doing it again.

Do NOT go to Target and buy these shoes. I promise you, on the life of my pug, that you can go to ANY Goodwill or Salvation Army and find these exact shoes for a $1 ($.50 on Tuesdays).  

In the words of the infinitely wise and hilarious Kalen Allen...absolutely not.

June 1st, 2018

Hi.

It's been over a year since I've been to this space. *sigh* I've always felt a little silly blogging. Even though I've been doing it (on and off) for years.  Like many other things I do to try and "put myself out there", it tends to feed into my ever present feelings of being inadequate. It's something I've struggled with as an adult. It's something I'm working on all of the time.

And even though that voice is always in my mind telling me...I am not good enough, that no one really cares, that I am being dumb...my heart will not let me stop. And even though I haven't really thought much about this blog in a very long time....all of the sudden, it's in my heart to try and do this thing again.

Who am I to deny my heart?

I'm not sure I CAN deny my heart. It's fairly persistent. Just slightly more persistent than the voice in my head.

Here's to trying again (and again and again) and listening to your heart.

Capsule Wardrobe

I blogged about our tiny closets before. Our bedroom closet is about the size of a postage stamp and shared between the two of us. It is the only true clothing closet in the house. All other closets have been converted to shelving storage. Anyway, about a month ago, I got the idea of re-booting my wardrobe. So, I started doing research on how to build a capsule wardrobe. Like anything else in the house, I wanted to know if I could do more with less.

I knew I was tired of having my half of the closet crammed with clothes when I know I didn't wear most of it. I knew I didn't want to spend a fortune on new clothes. I knew that I wanted to feel good in all the pieces I did have in my closet.

So, I began with the great cull. I removed everything from my closet and drawers and tossed it on the bed. And then I tried everything on. Some things I had only worn once, which made it hard for me to let it go. But, if I hadn't worn it in over a year, if I didn't feel totally comfortable in it (no 'it will fit if I just lose x amount of weight), if it had any holes or stains on it.....it had to go.

I ended up with two full trash bags and several hangers worth of clothes to donate. I would say I probably got rid of 90% of the clothes in my closet. All that space that was being wasted for all those years. The next step was to purchase new pieces that were versatile, classic, and not overly expensive. I'd say I spent just under $500 and purchased six tops, one dress, two pair of pants, a cargo vest, and five pair of shoes. These were added back to the few items I decided to keep.

Here are all the outfits I have put together in the last month using my much smaller wardrobe:

You can see all my #ootd on my instragram acct: justjinny

I haven't missed anything I decided to get rid of. Once I pulled everything out of my closet, I found that there were very few pieces that I truly loved or felt good wearing. Now that my clothes and shoes have been overhauled, the next thing I'll probably do is sort through my jewelry. A few more statement pieces in that area would open even more options for my new, yet smaller, wardrobe.

Shopping sources:

Maurice's
Target
Payless
Flaunt Boutique

Time to change it up

So, yesterday I got a wild hair up my back side and decided to start changing things up in the kitchen. The cabinet that stores all our cups and glasses was ridiculously full. How on earth do two people accumulate so many beverage containers?!?! Do they multiply in the middle of the night? I think it was more the fact that we sometimes have a hard time letting things go. We think maybe we'll use it someday or it has a special occasion tied to it. But, with little homes its just not practical to hold on to things that serve no purpose. So after a quick cull, the cabinet looks much better and it actually opened up space on the top shelf where other things can be stored, if needed.

Notice the under-cabinet wine rack. Another great idea when you don't have a lot of counter space.

After that, I pulled down the thick yellow and orange checkered curtains that have been hanging over the kitchen sink for years and years. They went from the very top of the window to pretty much the very bottom. The muted yellow and orange, like many things we initially selected for our kitchen, just made things look dark and dingy. I was SICK of looking at them! And even though it left the window totally naked I didn't care. They were coming down..forever.

Look how much light comes in that window without the curtains blocking it! As much as I loved all the light, once the sun went down it left us feeling a little exposed. So I knew I wouldn't be able to leave it bare for very long. After I got off work today I thought I might run out and see if I could find a cheap pair of simple, sheer curtains that would still let the light in but give us our privacy at night. I knew I didn't want to spend a lot of money but as I was looking at the window envisioning what exactly I wanted I was feeling doubtful I'd be able to find what I wanted at any local store.

And then inspiration hit...tea towels!

Never mind the paint sample. They are all over our house right now.

My mom bought these tea towels for me two Christmases ago (you can still find them here). And I really love them, but they are sort of wasted hanging on the doors down there. We don't use them to dry anything, they have been there strictly for decoration but without being at eye-level they are easily forgotten about.  I decided to elevate their status.

I whipped out my sewing machine and set it right on my kitchen counter. I measured how long I wanted the new curtains to be and then measured how much of an opening the old curtain had for the rod. That's all I really needed and in less than 20 minutes I had stitched two new curtain panels that would be exactly what I wanted.  Once my husband came home and moved the hardware down to were I wanted it I popped the rod back in place. And there you have it!

The light fixture will be replaced, eventually.

 The tea towels ended up being a perfect solution. We still get light coming in, but it will still give us the privacy we need once it gets dark in the evenings. I actually feel like this is a much better use for the towels rather than just hanging on the lower cabinet doors. And it also doesn't hurt that this cost me zero dollars.

 

17 for 2017

I'm not real big on resolutions. I feel like making resolutions can put a lot of pressure on people or set unrealistic expectations. AND let's not get into the fact that most of the time New Year resolutions revolve around losing weight. I hate it. I really kind of hate it. lol. I just think it's dumb that we are made to feel that we have to start the year off with being miserable or unhappy...thus needing the resolution (you know, so we can all be thin and happy...because that's the way life works...<insert eyeroll>)

As much as I dislike resolutions, I do think it's a good idea to reflect on the coming year and what you want to try and accomplish in that year. How do you want your year to go? What do you hope to do more of this year? Less of? All I know is when I ask myself these questions I'm not thinking 'You know, I really hope this year I eat more salad' or 'This is the year I will lose those 10 lbs....again' OR 'I am going to work out every single day and restrict my diet until I can fit into size XX'. No...just no.

So, here are my goals (resolutions..whatEV) for 2017:

1. Be authentic. I'm always striving to get closer to my most authentic self. I want to laugh more (and louder..who cares who hears), I want to sass more (these usually means just letting go of my filter, people are surprised when I let the chain off the gate from my brain to my mouth), I want to set boundaries if I need to..and have people respect those boundaries. It's an always evolving process.

2.  Go on more dates. An instragram friend recently posted something about a good marriage being something you make...and keep making. I couldn't agree more. There is a lot to be said about staying in, especially for us (shout out, introverts). But, I think it's important to make the effort to get out of the house and away from chores and the pets (or kids, in other people's case), away from the pile of bills and the computers, TV's, and gaming consoles.

3. Support local/small business. In our little west Texas town, we have a thriving community of small local business's. I want to make a more pointed effort in supporting our local business.

4. Read. I use to be an avid reader, but it's been a long time since I've sat down and read a book. Which is sad. I think this year I want to try and branch out and read something other than romance. The thing is, I need a happy ending (which is one reason why I have leaned so heavily on the romance genre), so it's hard to branch out. I don't like reading sad shit, especially if it ends sad.

5. Go outside. I don't care if it's a park or just the back patio. If the weather permits, I want to try and be out in it.

6. Simplify. Life gets stressful when you let a lot of noise come into play. I don't want to get distracted by things that are not important. I don't want to weigh myself down worrying about things that are not important. I want to let go of things that no longer serve a purpose in my life. I want to let go of relationships that do not help me be my most authentic self.

7. Invest. I want to invest in things and people that will help me grow my happiness, security, and health. This means investing time in myself, in the relationships that I want to strengthen, in my hobbies. It means investing money into our love cottage and in our future.

8. Save. I put this down, but I'm still thinking about what it means exactly. Money is the first thing that comes to mind, and although that is part of it, I want it to be about more than money.

9. Donate. I want to help my community and the causes that are close to my heart. So, I want to donate time where I can, or money when I can, or stuff (see #6).

10. Meditate. This sounds real "woo-woo", but I don't really plan to start any serious meditation practice. For me, this is more about getting still, getting quiet, slowing down and just breathing. I might try to incorporate "internet free" days into my week.

11. Host. We have set up our back patio to be a great place to host people, but we rarely have guests over (introverts...remember). I want to try and change that this year. I want to step out of the comfort zone and have people over to enjoy our love cottage.

12. Invite. I want to make more effort inviting people out. To lunch. To dinner. To happy hour. For a movie.

13. Get some culture. I want to see more plays, see more art, hear more live music. Maybe #12 and #13 can work together here.

14. Create. I want to create just for the joy of creating. As much as I enjoy sewing and cross stitch, and even writing, my heart is really with photography. My camera has been neglected. And recently I took it out for some test shots and it's not acting right (it's several years old now). So, it might be time to invest (see #7) in a new camera.

15. Explore. I want to learn. If I'm drawn to something, I want to dive into it and learn what I can. I want to go to new places. I want to meet new people. I want to say 'yeah, let's do that'.

16. Listen to more music. I don't listen to the radio much, but I recently downloaded the Spotify app and I have the I Heart Radio app. I want to listen to more music, while I'm cooking or cleaning or working or whatever. I sent out a SOS on my Facebook page, asking for music recommendations and boy did my friends deliver! I have a ton of artists to check out now (while I've been writing this post, I've been listening to Lady Gaga and Logic).

17. Ask for help. Just like #16, I asked for help and I got it! I want to be brave enough to ask for help (even if it's music recommendations) from my family, friends, and peers. So, if you are reading this list...and you think you could help...I WANT your help. Help me get closer and closer to being my most happy and authentic self. And maybe I can help you too.