We are in hell...but at least there are flowers

I scrolled through my Facebook feed this morning.  The simmering anger that is constantly right below the surface, because our world is going to hell (if there is such a place...I mean, maybe this is hell) in a hand basket, boiled over.

Two mass shootings in a 24 hour period. Two MORE mass shootings.

I am angry. And I am tired.

I am tired of the 'trending now' list's and "head lines" carousel's being full of people hurting each other, hurting themselves, being greedy and insensitive and self-absorbed.

I am tired of the fake and useless thoughts and prayers from our elected officials who have the power and privilege to make a difference in this world. I am angry because I am certain in the knowledge that none of them will do anything about any of it because our system is broken and corrupt. I know this. Everyone knows this.  And none of us have any real power to do anything about it. So, please do not tell me to vote. I am tired of that too.

I am angry because I have zero power to fix this problem, this sickness. I can't force our elected officials to take direct and drastic action. Do NOT tell me to vote or call or write letters. Broken and corrupt, remember. They do.not.care.about.us.

I am angry because I feel the kernel of a revolution growing in my soul, but I have no real place to stoke that fire. The people in this country don't have the attention span for a real revolution. And honestly, the people in this country...as a whole...do.not.care.about.us.

So.....what can I do?

Well, I raise money for random things.  I've raised money for animal rescue multiple times, usually for animal rescues that are different states and that I've never directly worked with. But animal rescues are doing the hard work to help the most vulnerable of us. I've raised money for our local black box theatre. A place that is filled with love and laughter and creation. It's a bright star for me in this terribly dark world.  My fundraisers aren't really that big of a deal. To me it's a small thing to do, but it is SOMETHING to do. Something good and pure and minimally helpful.

I take pictures of flowers. This really doesn't help anyone but myself. I spend time outside in nature. The never ending birth and death cycle of plants helps me keep things in perspective. Humans are doing awful things in the world, but nature continuous on and will probably continue on long after we have totally destroyed ourselves.

Sometimes I bake stuff. Kneading the crap out of some bread dough can help with the anger. Sharing my baked goods with others, providing a pleasant surprise and tasty treat, helps to momentarily alleviate the tiredness.

I hold doors open for people. I pick up things that strangers have dropped to give back to them. I smile and wave at babies.

I stare at the moon. I feed the hummingbirds. I bring home heart shaped rocks. I cuss....a lot. And I laugh too loud.

None of these things are changing the world.....

But I have to do something.

Beer, Tiny Roads, and Lightening Bugs

We are freshly home from vacationing in Asheville, NC.  What's in Asheville, NC, you ask? Well, before this weekend I didn't really have any idea. The location was picked via a poll between my cousins to decide where our first 'cousin trip' would be held.  Honestly, I'm not sure I would have ever thought to go to Asheville otherwise.

But, I'm really glad we did go.

For one, North Carolina is a beautiful state. We flew into Charlotte and drove the two hours Northwest to Asheville.  I-40 into Asheville is a breathtaking welcome to the Blue Ridge Mountains. The weather was perfect while we were there. Cooler in the morning, not overly hot for the rest of the day, and the humidity was at a very tolerable level for us. I'm not sure if I've ever seen lightening bugs before this trip. If I have, it was a very long time ago and I do not remember it.  West Texas does not have lightening bugs. I don't even LIKE bugs but I was thoroughly enchanted by the magical little creatures. 

 And there are so many trees. Like all of the trees. Big, tall, green trees. Every where. I loved the change of scenery. However, after so many days up a mountain, surrounded by a whole bunch of really tall trees...I was really missing the wide open skies of home. They don't call Texas big sky country for nothing. In North Carolina you can't tell if there is a house, store, or naked hippie commune right off the road, for the trees. All you see are trees.

Lets talk about driving around in a town that is on a mountain.  Amusement park roller coaster rides have nothing on the roads of Asheville, NC. The roads to our Airbnb were heart stopping. Actually, I wouldn't even call them roads. They are the size of alleys. Sharply inclining alleys with hair pin turns with sharp drop offs. Honestly I'm not sure how some of those people get up out of their driveways. It kept my adrenaline pumping every time we were in the car. My cousin Briana was our driver and she did a fantastic job getting us around.

Our Airbnb was the upstairs section of a larger house. The owner and his son live in the downstairs section. It was just the right size for us, although the one bathroom was a bit of a pinch sometimes. The beds were super comfy. The towels were clean. And although the kitchen did not have an oven, there was fresh coffee beans and a grinder for coffee every morning.  There were no TV's, but every window made you feel like you were in a tree house and there was a deck of cards which we took full advantage of.

We visited the Biltmore Estate. The ticket price might make you feel faint, but we spent a large chunk of our day on the estate and the ticket comes with a complimentary wine tasting, so I feel like you get your moneys worth.  The house itself is ostentatious. I don't think I will ever wrap my head around living with that much wealth and doing things simply because you can. My favorite part of the house was the large covered outdoor sitting area with beautiful mountain views. I enjoyed strolling the grounds way more than touring the house. There weren't nearly as many people to contend with in the gardens. And oh'ing and aw'ing over flowers rather than looking at another sitting room is way more my style.

We rode on a LaZoom comedy tour, which was a lot of fun. It was a great way to learn a little about Asheville and see a bunch of it, in a short amount of time.  Our tour guide was really funny and entertaining. The skits performed along the way kept us all laughing. Their lounge room is super funky and comfortable, a great place to hang out and have a few drinks before your tour starts.

We spent time at Highland Brewing Company, where I promptly turned the lights out in the ladies restroom and scared the crap out of everyone (possibly literally). I leaned against the light switch while waiting my turn. Everyone had a laugh about it, that's how things seem to go in Asheville. It just happened to be Reggae Sunday, which suited our party just fine. We hung out outside, sitting in the soft, sticker free grass, listening to great live reggae music.  They had one cider option (for me, the one and only non-beer drinker on the trip), and it was very tasty. The food truck served tamales and empanadas.  Everyone was enjoying themselves and dancing to the music. It was fabulous.

Overall, Asheville put a spell on me. The roads might be tiny (and uphill....everything is uphill in Asheville), but the spirit of Asheville is huge. You can definitely feel the magic of the place...or maybe its just all the beer.

Milestones and Memories

Jeremy texted me recently with 'I want to get you a Mustang for your 40th birthday' (I'll turn 40 next year).  I've been dreaming of getting a Ford Mustang for many years now, but I've never been able to justify the purchase in my mind.  Don't ask me why...I guess I always convinced myself that it wasn't practical. And also I'm the queen of talking myself out of buying anything frivolous or not desperately necessary.

Getting a Mustang to mark my 40th birthday sounds like a lot of fun. And it got me thinking about what other things I have wanted, but never allowed myself to have. To be honest, I couldn't come up with a whole lot of physical things. What can I say, I'm a simple girl who doesn't want for much in the way of material possessions.  Instead what kept coming to mind are experiences and travel.

I want to eat beignets and get covered in powered sugar in New Orleans. I want to go witch watching in Salem. I want to enjoy the cherry blossoms and visit the National Museum of Natural History in D.C. I want to watch fish being tossed at Pike Place Market, buy fresh flowers from a street vendor, and visit the kitty café in Seattle.  I want to eat a Czech kolache in West, TX.  I want to pick my own flowers at Krugers Farm on Sauvie Island. I want to eat Voodoo doughnuts. I want to walk among the Redwoods in Northern CA and visit the Garden of Fragrance in San Francisco.  I want to hunt for pirates in St. Petersburg, FL and hunt for elves in the Denver Museum of Nature and Science.  I want to go back to the Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs. I want to collect some driftwood on a beach on the Northwest Coast.

I want to visit old churches and grand universities. I want to walk the streets that our founding fathers walked. I want to go to quirky museums, dedicated to odd things. I want to wonder through book stores. I want to visit beautiful gardens.

And don't even get me started on Scotland. I am going to get there someday!

Maybe I'll get to do and see and eat all the things...all while cruising in my new mustang. Who knows....

But for now, we are visiting Asheville, NC at the end of July. I've never been to North Carolina so I'm very excited. There is a pinball museum in downtown Asheville that I have my eye on. And a trip to the Asheville Arboretum is on the schedule. 

Here's to milestone birthdays, dream cars, new experiences, and making memories.

Pump the Brakes

I consider myself to be a relatively smart person. But, there are moments when I definitely feel behind the times. Usually these moments involve some type of technology or social media.

A few weeks ago, while at my grandma's house for wine night..

Let's pause for just a moment to talk about wine night. My grandma has wine night at her house just about every Friday night. Usually it's my mom, three of my aunts, and me who go...with the occasional extra visitor or two if we have other relatives in town or a friend stopping by.

It was during one of these wine nights, when my aunt Gail asked me to move her vehicle since she was parked behind my aunt Kathy who was ready to leave. She handed me her key fob and told me it was a push button starter.

I head outside and hop in her Audi. Fancy, right? My aunt Gail likes nice things. I push the button and the air conditioning comes on, the radio comes on, it doesn't really sound like the engine came on. But hey...it's an AUDI...maybe the engine is quiet like a ninja? I put the car in reverse, press on the gas, and nothing happens.

I put the car back in park (I've learned my lesson with that one). I push the button again, everything turns back off.  Ok...maybe you have to push the button for longer...like turning on your iPhone? I push the start button again, longer this time, and again, the a/c and radio comes on, but the car goes no where when put in reverse.

My aunt Kathy, who is patiently waiting in her car in front of me, is looking at me in her mirrors.  I sit there sort of laughing at myself. This is ridiculous!! I am a smart, independent woman! I can figure this out.  I'm looking all over the console and around the steering wheel as I think.

There must be a trick to this...

I finally decide to press on the break while pushing the start button and A-HA!!!...the engine starts. My aunt Kathy throws her hands up in celebration.  I move the vehicle without any further issue and as my aunt backs out we both laughed at the whole situation and she says 'What do we know about fancy luxury vehicles?!' Listen y'all, I know push button starters are not technically a new feature or even a "luxury" feature. However, I drive a 2013 Honda Civic. My seats aren't even electric, okay.

I sat back down at the kitchen table, still snickering to myself. My mom and aunt Gail both want to know what is so funny. So, I tell them what happened and we all share a good laugh. My aunt Gail says 'Oh yeah, you do have to press the break. It's just such a habit I forgot all about it'.  

I guess my take away from this is...when you aren't sure what to do, maybe try pumping the brakes and see if that helps. 

The First Father's Day

Today is Father's day.

Today also marks the 1st anniversary of my dad's passing.

If you've been following along for any amount of time, you'll already know that my dad was pretty absent from most of my life. His passing was sudden and unexpected. It forced me and my sister into a world we had never been a part of. And the whole experience just reinforced how foreign we were to him and his life.

The very nice condolences left on the funeral home website mentioned how dependable he was, how they could count on him for anything. And as I read them I would think, 'Who is THAT person?', because it wasn't the man I knew. In my experience my dad was a lot of things, but dependable wasn't one of them. After the memorial service was over, every person that filed by, after fiercely hugging my step-sister, would tepidly shake my hand without a bit of recognition in their eyes.  The majority of those people had no idea who I was, and what my relationship was to their deceased friend. I understand why they wouldn't know who I was, but it still hurt my heart.

Sorting out his few belongings in his tiny apartment was another ordeal.  I kept saying I didn't care what happened to the stuff in the apartment, and that I certainly didn't want any of it.  I avoided being in the apartment and instead loitered outside.  I blamed the cigarette smell, which was part of it. Looking back now, it was mostly because being in his sad little apartment and going through his meager belongings would just finalize the alienation of our relationship. He had framed photos of my sister and I piled in a box. As if he had won the box in an auction without knowing what was in it, and then realizing later that it didn't contain anything he wanted or needed. I understand that my dad was a widowed bachelor who never had a need to do a lot of decorating, which is the more likely reason why the photos were in boxes, but it still hurt my heart.

And, really, that's what it all comes down to. Everything about that day crushed my heart. I handled the whole situation with simmering anger, disdain, and feigned indifference in an attempt to keep all other emotions at arms length. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to miss him. I didn't want to feel regret.  And I didn't want my heart to hurt.

Why didn't he want me? Why was he ok with being absent from my life for all of those years?  Why did we have to end up as strangers to one another? Why weren't we worth the effort to try and be a better dad?

I would say I'll never get those answers now, but honestly I wouldn't get the answers even if he were still alive. My dad had no real answers for his behavior. He just lived his life the way that was best for him, and I'm not sure he gave much thought to who he hurt in the process. And that's how he left us, without much thought to who he would hurt in the process.

I'm working on letting go of the anger. It still might take me a little more time. But I'm trying to remember the good memories, most of them from when I was young. We did have our moments. And to mark the first year of his passing, I wanted to do something to honor him...something to help heal my still broken heart.  So, I've decided to make a donation to the Alcohol & Drug Abuse Council for the Concho Valley. Maybe my small donation will help another dad out there who is struggling, but still trying, to be a better father to his kids.

Happy Father's day, Dad.

The Up's and Down's

Life is crazy, y'all.

Sometimes it's mind numbingly boring. 

It's messy and confusing. It's scary and exciting. It can be funny. It can be heartbreaking. 

And split-second after split-second it is changing. You might not always be able to see it or feel it, but life never sits still. 

I believe I have self-diagnosed depression. I can be going about my life, minding my own business, when my brain takes a noise dive into numbness. It can be set off by the littlest thing. And once it starts, it's like a plane falling out of the sky. 

I was doing really good this year. I made up my mind at the start of the year to manage my expectations and it had been working really well. Until a few weeks ago.  I cannot even tell you how it happened or why, but the crash was swift and brutal. I felt like a robot on the energy-save mode. 

I've never considered hurting myself, but during that week, I started to understand why people do. I couldn't stop the thoughts from going around and around in my head.

'Why am I like this?'

'Why can't I just be normal?'

'Why do I have to be such a burden to everyone around me?'

'Why can't I just snap out of it?'

'What is the point of all of this?'

'I'm a terrible wife....daughter...sister....friend.'

'No one cares what I think.'

'I am worthless.'

You know....all the depressing thoughts. I wish I could say what triggers it or what makes it finally lift.  Probably chemicals in my brain rebalancing themselves or something. All I know is that it was suddenly like the gauze cloth being lifted from my eyes. Everything seemed clearer, brighter, lighter. The auto-pilot light was suddenly switched off.  

I'm not talking about all of this to get any sympathy. I'm talking about this because I'm so thankful that life can be a teeter-totter.  I'm so lucky that life is like the earth, and it keeps spinning. I'm so grateful that I get another chance to try to figure things out and be a better me.

So, for right now, the reset button has been hit. I am smiling and laughing, I'm sleeping well and enjoying my garden.  I'm taking full advantage of the reprieve, for however long it lasts. 

Twilight..and not the vampire kind

Summer ends, and Autumn comes, and he who would have it otherwise would have high tide always and a full moon every night; and thus he would never know the rhythms that are at the heart of life. ~Hal Borland

Happy Mabon! Or Happy fall, y'all!!  The autumn equinox is the tipping point from summer into fall. Light starts to give way to the dark.  The night creeps up slowly to claim more and more of the day. The sun starts losing it's strength and the air turns cooler.  If you imagine that the year is like one long day, Mabon would be twilight.  That time of day when the sun has just dipped down beyond the horizon. That time of day when dinner is cleaned up, school and work projects are completed and put away. That time of day when everyone slips into cozy pajamas after night time baths.

Fall is the world getting ready to tuck itself in for the long winter sleep after working hard to gather the harvest. It's a time to rest, refresh, and recharge. Since most of us don't have to work to gather an actual harvest any longer, the fall can be a great time to clean things out or complete projects. Forget spring cleaning, autumn cleaning is where it's at. You want to be ready to go into this time of year with a clutter free home and mind. If you have clutter in your closets, or drawers, or car trunks, or table tops, now is the time to pull it all out and get it sorted. If you have unfinished projects at home or at work, now is the time to try and wrap them up.

Here are some other things you can do to celebrate the autumn equinox:

1. Go for a walk. The weather will be cooling off. The days might still be warm, but the evenings will start getting that crisp nip quickly now. Grab a cardigan and your loved one and take a stroll around the block.

2. Plant some bulbs. Many flowering plants can be planted now to germinate over the winter. Here in Texas, Irises do very well in our climate.

3. Bake something! Now is the prefect time to make all the apple or pumpkin things you have pinned on your Fall Pinterest board. Share them with your friends, neighbors, coworkers, and/or teachers.

Whatever you decide to do, be sure to take just a few minutes to enjoy the changing of the seasons (no matter how slow the change seems to happen). Take a few minutes to make a list, mentally or physically, on all your many blessings. Take a few minutes to just breath and get ready for the coming holiday season.