We are in hell...but at least there are flowers

I scrolled through my Facebook feed this morning.  The simmering anger that is constantly right below the surface, because our world is going to hell (if there is such a place...I mean, maybe this is hell) in a hand basket, boiled over.

Two mass shootings in a 24 hour period. Two MORE mass shootings.

I am angry. And I am tired.

I am tired of the 'trending now' list's and "head lines" carousel's being full of people hurting each other, hurting themselves, being greedy and insensitive and self-absorbed.

I am tired of the fake and useless thoughts and prayers from our elected officials who have the power and privilege to make a difference in this world. I am angry because I am certain in the knowledge that none of them will do anything about any of it because our system is broken and corrupt. I know this. Everyone knows this.  And none of us have any real power to do anything about it. So, please do not tell me to vote. I am tired of that too.

I am angry because I have zero power to fix this problem, this sickness. I can't force our elected officials to take direct and drastic action. Do NOT tell me to vote or call or write letters. Broken and corrupt, remember. They do.not.care.about.us.

I am angry because I feel the kernel of a revolution growing in my soul, but I have no real place to stoke that fire. The people in this country don't have the attention span for a real revolution. And honestly, the people in this country...as a whole...do.not.care.about.us.

So.....what can I do?

Well, I raise money for random things.  I've raised money for animal rescue multiple times, usually for animal rescues that are different states and that I've never directly worked with. But animal rescues are doing the hard work to help the most vulnerable of us. I've raised money for our local black box theatre. A place that is filled with love and laughter and creation. It's a bright star for me in this terribly dark world.  My fundraisers aren't really that big of a deal. To me it's a small thing to do, but it is SOMETHING to do. Something good and pure and minimally helpful.

I take pictures of flowers. This really doesn't help anyone but myself. I spend time outside in nature. The never ending birth and death cycle of plants helps me keep things in perspective. Humans are doing awful things in the world, but nature continuous on and will probably continue on long after we have totally destroyed ourselves.

Sometimes I bake stuff. Kneading the crap out of some bread dough can help with the anger. Sharing my baked goods with others, providing a pleasant surprise and tasty treat, helps to momentarily alleviate the tiredness.

I hold doors open for people. I pick up things that strangers have dropped to give back to them. I smile and wave at babies.

I stare at the moon. I feed the hummingbirds. I bring home heart shaped rocks. I cuss....a lot. And I laugh too loud.

None of these things are changing the world.....

But I have to do something.

Beer, Tiny Roads, and Lightening Bugs

We are freshly home from vacationing in Asheville, NC.  What's in Asheville, NC, you ask? Well, before this weekend I didn't really have any idea. The location was picked via a poll between my cousins to decide where our first 'cousin trip' would be held.  Honestly, I'm not sure I would have ever thought to go to Asheville otherwise.

But, I'm really glad we did go.

For one, North Carolina is a beautiful state. We flew into Charlotte and drove the two hours Northwest to Asheville.  I-40 into Asheville is a breathtaking welcome to the Blue Ridge Mountains. The weather was perfect while we were there. Cooler in the morning, not overly hot for the rest of the day, and the humidity was at a very tolerable level for us. I'm not sure if I've ever seen lightening bugs before this trip. If I have, it was a very long time ago and I do not remember it.  West Texas does not have lightening bugs. I don't even LIKE bugs but I was thoroughly enchanted by the magical little creatures. 

 And there are so many trees. Like all of the trees. Big, tall, green trees. Every where. I loved the change of scenery. However, after so many days up a mountain, surrounded by a whole bunch of really tall trees...I was really missing the wide open skies of home. They don't call Texas big sky country for nothing. In North Carolina you can't tell if there is a house, store, or naked hippie commune right off the road, for the trees. All you see are trees.

Lets talk about driving around in a town that is on a mountain.  Amusement park roller coaster rides have nothing on the roads of Asheville, NC. The roads to our Airbnb were heart stopping. Actually, I wouldn't even call them roads. They are the size of alleys. Sharply inclining alleys with hair pin turns with sharp drop offs. Honestly I'm not sure how some of those people get up out of their driveways. It kept my adrenaline pumping every time we were in the car. My cousin Briana was our driver and she did a fantastic job getting us around.

Our Airbnb was the upstairs section of a larger house. The owner and his son live in the downstairs section. It was just the right size for us, although the one bathroom was a bit of a pinch sometimes. The beds were super comfy. The towels were clean. And although the kitchen did not have an oven, there was fresh coffee beans and a grinder for coffee every morning.  There were no TV's, but every window made you feel like you were in a tree house and there was a deck of cards which we took full advantage of.

We visited the Biltmore Estate. The ticket price might make you feel faint, but we spent a large chunk of our day on the estate and the ticket comes with a complimentary wine tasting, so I feel like you get your moneys worth.  The house itself is ostentatious. I don't think I will ever wrap my head around living with that much wealth and doing things simply because you can. My favorite part of the house was the large covered outdoor sitting area with beautiful mountain views. I enjoyed strolling the grounds way more than touring the house. There weren't nearly as many people to contend with in the gardens. And oh'ing and aw'ing over flowers rather than looking at another sitting room is way more my style.

We rode on a LaZoom comedy tour, which was a lot of fun. It was a great way to learn a little about Asheville and see a bunch of it, in a short amount of time.  Our tour guide was really funny and entertaining. The skits performed along the way kept us all laughing. Their lounge room is super funky and comfortable, a great place to hang out and have a few drinks before your tour starts.

We spent time at Highland Brewing Company, where I promptly turned the lights out in the ladies restroom and scared the crap out of everyone (possibly literally). I leaned against the light switch while waiting my turn. Everyone had a laugh about it, that's how things seem to go in Asheville. It just happened to be Reggae Sunday, which suited our party just fine. We hung out outside, sitting in the soft, sticker free grass, listening to great live reggae music.  They had one cider option (for me, the one and only non-beer drinker on the trip), and it was very tasty. The food truck served tamales and empanadas.  Everyone was enjoying themselves and dancing to the music. It was fabulous.

Overall, Asheville put a spell on me. The roads might be tiny (and uphill....everything is uphill in Asheville), but the spirit of Asheville is huge. You can definitely feel the magic of the place...or maybe its just all the beer.

Milestones and Memories

Jeremy texted me recently with 'I want to get you a Mustang for your 40th birthday' (I'll turn 40 next year).  I've been dreaming of getting a Ford Mustang for many years now, but I've never been able to justify the purchase in my mind.  Don't ask me why...I guess I always convinced myself that it wasn't practical. And also I'm the queen of talking myself out of buying anything frivolous or not desperately necessary.

Getting a Mustang to mark my 40th birthday sounds like a lot of fun. And it got me thinking about what other things I have wanted, but never allowed myself to have. To be honest, I couldn't come up with a whole lot of physical things. What can I say, I'm a simple girl who doesn't want for much in the way of material possessions.  Instead what kept coming to mind are experiences and travel.

I want to eat beignets and get covered in powered sugar in New Orleans. I want to go witch watching in Salem. I want to enjoy the cherry blossoms and visit the National Museum of Natural History in D.C. I want to watch fish being tossed at Pike Place Market, buy fresh flowers from a street vendor, and visit the kitty café in Seattle.  I want to eat a Czech kolache in West, TX.  I want to pick my own flowers at Krugers Farm on Sauvie Island. I want to eat Voodoo doughnuts. I want to walk among the Redwoods in Northern CA and visit the Garden of Fragrance in San Francisco.  I want to hunt for pirates in St. Petersburg, FL and hunt for elves in the Denver Museum of Nature and Science.  I want to go back to the Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs. I want to collect some driftwood on a beach on the Northwest Coast.

I want to visit old churches and grand universities. I want to walk the streets that our founding fathers walked. I want to go to quirky museums, dedicated to odd things. I want to wonder through book stores. I want to visit beautiful gardens.

And don't even get me started on Scotland. I am going to get there someday!

Maybe I'll get to do and see and eat all the things...all while cruising in my new mustang. Who knows....

But for now, we are visiting Asheville, NC at the end of July. I've never been to North Carolina so I'm very excited. There is a pinball museum in downtown Asheville that I have my eye on. And a trip to the Asheville Arboretum is on the schedule. 

Here's to milestone birthdays, dream cars, new experiences, and making memories.

Pump the Brakes

I consider myself to be a relatively smart person. But, there are moments when I definitely feel behind the times. Usually these moments involve some type of technology or social media.

A few weeks ago, while at my grandma's house for wine night..

Let's pause for just a moment to talk about wine night. My grandma has wine night at her house just about every Friday night. Usually it's my mom, three of my aunts, and me who go...with the occasional extra visitor or two if we have other relatives in town or a friend stopping by.

It was during one of these wine nights, when my aunt Gail asked me to move her vehicle since she was parked behind my aunt Kathy who was ready to leave. She handed me her key fob and told me it was a push button starter.

I head outside and hop in her Audi. Fancy, right? My aunt Gail likes nice things. I push the button and the air conditioning comes on, the radio comes on, it doesn't really sound like the engine came on. But hey...it's an AUDI...maybe the engine is quiet like a ninja? I put the car in reverse, press on the gas, and nothing happens.

I put the car back in park (I've learned my lesson with that one). I push the button again, everything turns back off.  Ok...maybe you have to push the button for longer...like turning on your iPhone? I push the start button again, longer this time, and again, the a/c and radio comes on, but the car goes no where when put in reverse.

My aunt Kathy, who is patiently waiting in her car in front of me, is looking at me in her mirrors.  I sit there sort of laughing at myself. This is ridiculous!! I am a smart, independent woman! I can figure this out.  I'm looking all over the console and around the steering wheel as I think.

There must be a trick to this...

I finally decide to press on the break while pushing the start button and A-HA!!!...the engine starts. My aunt Kathy throws her hands up in celebration.  I move the vehicle without any further issue and as my aunt backs out we both laughed at the whole situation and she says 'What do we know about fancy luxury vehicles?!' Listen y'all, I know push button starters are not technically a new feature or even a "luxury" feature. However, I drive a 2013 Honda Civic. My seats aren't even electric, okay.

I sat back down at the kitchen table, still snickering to myself. My mom and aunt Gail both want to know what is so funny. So, I tell them what happened and we all share a good laugh. My aunt Gail says 'Oh yeah, you do have to press the break. It's just such a habit I forgot all about it'.  

I guess my take away from this is...when you aren't sure what to do, maybe try pumping the brakes and see if that helps. 

The First Father's Day

Today is Father's day.

Today also marks the 1st anniversary of my dad's passing.

If you've been following along for any amount of time, you'll already know that my dad was pretty absent from most of my life. His passing was sudden and unexpected. It forced me and my sister into a world we had never been a part of. And the whole experience just reinforced how foreign we were to him and his life.

The very nice condolences left on the funeral home website mentioned how dependable he was, how they could count on him for anything. And as I read them I would think, 'Who is THAT person?', because it wasn't the man I knew. In my experience my dad was a lot of things, but dependable wasn't one of them. After the memorial service was over, every person that filed by, after fiercely hugging my step-sister, would tepidly shake my hand without a bit of recognition in their eyes.  The majority of those people had no idea who I was, and what my relationship was to their deceased friend. I understand why they wouldn't know who I was, but it still hurt my heart.

Sorting out his few belongings in his tiny apartment was another ordeal.  I kept saying I didn't care what happened to the stuff in the apartment, and that I certainly didn't want any of it.  I avoided being in the apartment and instead loitered outside.  I blamed the cigarette smell, which was part of it. Looking back now, it was mostly because being in his sad little apartment and going through his meager belongings would just finalize the alienation of our relationship. He had framed photos of my sister and I piled in a box. As if he had won the box in an auction without knowing what was in it, and then realizing later that it didn't contain anything he wanted or needed. I understand that my dad was a widowed bachelor who never had a need to do a lot of decorating, which is the more likely reason why the photos were in boxes, but it still hurt my heart.

And, really, that's what it all comes down to. Everything about that day crushed my heart. I handled the whole situation with simmering anger, disdain, and feigned indifference in an attempt to keep all other emotions at arms length. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to miss him. I didn't want to feel regret.  And I didn't want my heart to hurt.

Why didn't he want me? Why was he ok with being absent from my life for all of those years?  Why did we have to end up as strangers to one another? Why weren't we worth the effort to try and be a better dad?

I would say I'll never get those answers now, but honestly I wouldn't get the answers even if he were still alive. My dad had no real answers for his behavior. He just lived his life the way that was best for him, and I'm not sure he gave much thought to who he hurt in the process. And that's how he left us, without much thought to who he would hurt in the process.

I'm working on letting go of the anger. It still might take me a little more time. But I'm trying to remember the good memories, most of them from when I was young. We did have our moments. And to mark the first year of his passing, I wanted to do something to honor him...something to help heal my still broken heart.  So, I've decided to make a donation to the Alcohol & Drug Abuse Council for the Concho Valley. Maybe my small donation will help another dad out there who is struggling, but still trying, to be a better father to his kids.

Happy Father's day, Dad.

The Up's and Down's

Life is crazy, y'all.

Sometimes it's mind numbingly boring. 

It's messy and confusing. It's scary and exciting. It can be funny. It can be heartbreaking. 

And split-second after split-second it is changing. You might not always be able to see it or feel it, but life never sits still. 

I believe I have self-diagnosed depression. I can be going about my life, minding my own business, when my brain takes a noise dive into numbness. It can be set off by the littlest thing. And once it starts, it's like a plane falling out of the sky. 

I was doing really good this year. I made up my mind at the start of the year to manage my expectations and it had been working really well. Until a few weeks ago.  I cannot even tell you how it happened or why, but the crash was swift and brutal. I felt like a robot on the energy-save mode. 

I've never considered hurting myself, but during that week, I started to understand why people do. I couldn't stop the thoughts from going around and around in my head.

'Why am I like this?'

'Why can't I just be normal?'

'Why do I have to be such a burden to everyone around me?'

'Why can't I just snap out of it?'

'What is the point of all of this?'

'I'm a terrible wife....daughter...sister....friend.'

'No one cares what I think.'

'I am worthless.'

You know....all the depressing thoughts. I wish I could say what triggers it or what makes it finally lift.  Probably chemicals in my brain rebalancing themselves or something. All I know is that it was suddenly like the gauze cloth being lifted from my eyes. Everything seemed clearer, brighter, lighter. The auto-pilot light was suddenly switched off.  

I'm not talking about all of this to get any sympathy. I'm talking about this because I'm so thankful that life can be a teeter-totter.  I'm so lucky that life is like the earth, and it keeps spinning. I'm so grateful that I get another chance to try to figure things out and be a better me.

So, for right now, the reset button has been hit. I am smiling and laughing, I'm sleeping well and enjoying my garden.  I'm taking full advantage of the reprieve, for however long it lasts. 

Twilight..and not the vampire kind

Summer ends, and Autumn comes, and he who would have it otherwise would have high tide always and a full moon every night; and thus he would never know the rhythms that are at the heart of life. ~Hal Borland

Happy Mabon! Or Happy fall, y'all!!  The autumn equinox is the tipping point from summer into fall. Light starts to give way to the dark.  The night creeps up slowly to claim more and more of the day. The sun starts losing it's strength and the air turns cooler.  If you imagine that the year is like one long day, Mabon would be twilight.  That time of day when the sun has just dipped down beyond the horizon. That time of day when dinner is cleaned up, school and work projects are completed and put away. That time of day when everyone slips into cozy pajamas after night time baths.

Fall is the world getting ready to tuck itself in for the long winter sleep after working hard to gather the harvest. It's a time to rest, refresh, and recharge. Since most of us don't have to work to gather an actual harvest any longer, the fall can be a great time to clean things out or complete projects. Forget spring cleaning, autumn cleaning is where it's at. You want to be ready to go into this time of year with a clutter free home and mind. If you have clutter in your closets, or drawers, or car trunks, or table tops, now is the time to pull it all out and get it sorted. If you have unfinished projects at home or at work, now is the time to try and wrap them up.

Here are some other things you can do to celebrate the autumn equinox:

1. Go for a walk. The weather will be cooling off. The days might still be warm, but the evenings will start getting that crisp nip quickly now. Grab a cardigan and your loved one and take a stroll around the block.

2. Plant some bulbs. Many flowering plants can be planted now to germinate over the winter. Here in Texas, Irises do very well in our climate.

3. Bake something! Now is the prefect time to make all the apple or pumpkin things you have pinned on your Fall Pinterest board. Share them with your friends, neighbors, coworkers, and/or teachers.

Whatever you decide to do, be sure to take just a few minutes to enjoy the changing of the seasons (no matter how slow the change seems to happen). Take a few minutes to make a list, mentally or physically, on all your many blessings. Take a few minutes to just breath and get ready for the coming holiday season.

Lean into Love

Yesterday, my best friend and I were chatting back and forth on the Marco Polo app. Somehow our conversation took a turn into the muck that is current life in the United States. Both of us expressed feeling helpless during these tumultuous times. I told her that I felt like we were living in a pressure cooker, everything coming up to a violent boil with the very dangerous potential of exploding. Between the current political climate and good ol' social media, people are finding something to be outraged about, something to be afraid of or insulted by, every minute of every day. Or, at least, that's how it seems. And it can be very overwhelming and disheartening.

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm tired of seeing people burning products or boycotting businesses or sharing another ugly meme. I'm tired of people's "burn them at the stake" attitudes. When people don't agree with something, why does our first reaction seem to be towards hate and destruction, war and killing, violence and insults? Is that really what this country is about?

That isn't what I'm about. I would rather turn away from anger and hate and lean into love and kindness.

So instead of going at an issue in anger, thinking how I can "bring them down" or "bankrupt that company" or whatever...I want to ask myself 'how can I help?' or 'who can I support instead?' Let's use the Colin Kaepernick and Nike situation as an example. People are upset because they feel like Nike and Colin Kaepernick are being disrespectful to the flag and to our military/veterans. Instead of boycotting the NFL or burning all their Nike gear, why not donate to a organization that helps our military or volunteer at a local VA office or clinic?

Personally, I get really upset when I see animals that have been abused, neglected, or abandoned. I have very strong opinions on breeding dogs. But you won't find me ranting or arguing with anyone on social media.  Instead I think about how I can positively support that ideas I do believe in. I raise money for animal rescue, I share when our local shelter or rescues are having low cost clinics, I promote the adoption of shelter/rescue animals, I sponsor adoption fees.

At the end of the day, I don't want people to know what I'm against. I want people to know what I am passionate about, what I support, what I love, where my heart is. And I encourage you to do the same. Let's all consider how to invest in the issues and causes that matter to us in positive and uplifting ways. Let's all look at ways we can help and support, instead of destroy and tear down.

 Let's lean into kindness. Let's lean into love.

Reason #365 why adulting sucks...grocery shopping

Everyone loves grocery shopping, right? There is nothing like spending an hour or more playing shopping cart chicken with aisles crowded with the meandering, clueless, and self-absorbed. I mean, I really enjoy waiting on people who park their cart on one side of the aisle and then stand in the middle of the other half of the aisle while staring with glazed eyes at the choices for canned corn totally oblivious to the traffic jam of other shoppers that is piling up as we all wait for them to make a decision. I can totally understand their dilemma...so many corn choices. Or, I also love shopping behind the go-cart grandmas who will not hesitate to back up on a dime and mow right over your toes. And then give YOU the stink eye. It's great. There are also parents who let the kids push the carts (just stop) and people who do not understand the concept of personal space (Hi..maybe we should at least exchange names before you get all up in my business). Who doesn't love dealing with all of THAT, and then getting a cranky checkout person, and THEN getting home only to realize you forgot something.

Grocery shopping can be a beating.

Over the years, I have honed our shopping trips into a streamlined process to try and cut down the time in the store and to ensure we buy the things we need. It all starts with the menu. Jeremy and I do a large shopping trip every two weeks. So, I make a dinner menu for two weeks out. Here are a few things I like to keep in mind while putting the menu together.

1. What is happening in the next two weeks? We have been trying to get to the gym on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. So I know we will have less time for dinner on those evenings and try to plan for something that's a little quicker to throw together. And on every Friday I go to my Grandmas and Jeremy fends for himself for dinner. For your family, it might be weekly sports practice or Wednesday night bible studies.

2. Trade off who is responsible for cooking dinner. If you and your partner share the cooking responsibilities, be sure to mix up meals that you make vs. meals they make. It's always nice to have a "night off" from cooking dinner.

3. Do you have any meals leftover from the last two weeks? Sometimes things pop up and you end up eating out or ordering in. That night's dinner might still be waiting for you to make. You can always rollover that dinner idea over onto the next menu.

Once the dinner menu has been put together, I start making the shopping list.

1. First I go over what is needed to make each of the dinners on the menu. What do I need to make that meal vs. what I already have. During the big shopping trip, I'll only purchase vegetables needed for the menu items in the first week. We do make a small grocery run the following weekend, and I'll pick up whatever vegetables we need for the week after that. It's hard to keep your produce fresh for two whole weeks, so we do it this way to avoid waste and re-purchasing.

2. After the dinner menu has been covered, I list items we need for breakfast and lunch. Do we need cereal, oatmeal, lunch meat, bread?

3. Then we go over misc. food items. Do we need orange juice, coffee, creamer, snack foods, sour cream, ketchup, butter, etc.?

4. Next up is cleaning and storage items. Do we need dish soap, laundry soup, trash bags, paper towels, ziplock bags, air fresheners, all purpose cleaner, etc.?

5. From there we go over bathroom items. Do we need toilet paper, toothpaste, shaving cream, razors, shampoo or conditioner? Do I need to buy more bobby pins or purchase a new blow dryer? Those items would be listed here.

6. Last, are misc. household items. Do we need pet food, greeting cards, kitchen gadgets, dish towels, candles, lightbulbs, air filters, etc?

Now, we only do our shopping at one store. I know people like to go to different stores because of better deals, or better selection. But we ain't got time for that. Since we shop at only one store, we know the layout very, very well. So, for the last step of getting my shopping list together, I use a legal sized envelope and I organize my shopping list based on how we make our way through the store. This helps avoid back tracking, no one wants to be zig zagging all over the dang store because you forgot this or that. This also helps us avoid picking up things we do not need. There are aisles we never even go down because there is nothing on our list down that aisle.

The envelope is also handy for holding any coupons I might need  to bring with me or coupons I pick up in the store. I do use coupons, but only to a certain extent. If what I'm already buying comes with a free item, I will only grab the free item if its something on my list or something I know we will use. I have limited space to store my groceries, so I can't bring home anything we don't want or use or need....even for free. Since we are only shopping for two people, if a coupon is only valid if we buy two (or three) of an item to get the discount, I won't buy more than we need or can store just to save a $1. It is OK to walk away from a coupon deal. Stick with your list as best you can.

During the next two weeks, in the morning while I'm getting my lunch together for the work day, I'll check the menu to see if I need to take something out of the freezer for dinner that night. If it's beef or pork, I usually take that out in the morning. If it's chicken, I'll wait to take that out when I get home from work (I get home by 3:30, so it gives me plenty of time before dinner to let it thaw...this might not work for you so you might have to take it out in the morning).  If something comes up that day....we are running later or just ran out of energy to be messing with cooking a protein, we will put the thawed item in the fridge to use the next day. Some people are very particular on how they handle their raw/thawed out protein. If the idea of having something out in a sink of water to thaw during the work day oogs you out, you might have to be a day ahead of your menu to allow things to thaw in the fridge. If the idea of putting something that has been out to thaw all day in the fridge to use later oogs you out, you could always cook that protein really quick (brown your beef or broil your chicken while you wait on the pizza delivery guy) and then store it in the fridge to be used in the next few days.

Shew! That's a lot of information. We have been doing our shopping this way for so long that it's more habit now. A lot of the stuff above I can do without having to really even think about it. And this exact thought process might not work for your family. But maybe it will be a good starting point to finding what does work for you and your family.

Five things that are bringing me joy

1. The Beach Vibes Spotify playlist - I started using Spotify in the evenings while I was cooking dinner. I stumbled across this playlist when I was searching for something that would help me relax after work, something that would make me dance in the kitchen, something that would make me smile. This playlist is all those things. Even Jeremy and my sister have started listening to it. It's the perfect thing to put on when you are sitting on your back porch having a few drinks on a Friday night. 

2. Hummingbird feeders - Not last summer, but the summer before that, I would sit on my back porch in the morning and watch a hummingbird or two come and visit our one feeder while I had my coffee. I was so sad when I didn't see any last summer. I think the feeder we were using was just not to their liking. We switched back to the basic plastic red feeder and added two more to the yard. We make simple sugar water to put in our feeders. And I'm so happy to say that the hummingbirds are back. I've seen them at the feeders at just about any time of day and they have even taken up hanging out under our patio on our twinkle lights. 

3. My cleaned out Facebook feed - Social media is an addictive time suck. I really hate how much time I spend on many of the social media platforms, but I can't seem to stop myself. I was tired of scrolling through Facebook seeing a bunch of stuff that I didn't care about. This isn't about UNFRIENDING people. This is about UNLIKING the pages of TV shows, movies, authors, big box stores, local stores, restaurants, direct sales reps, animals, political groups, etc. The list just goes on and on and on. Everyone and everything has a Facebook page nowadays and it was just getting to be too much for me. My Facebook feed is back to being more in-line with what I want to be seeing, friends and family, and a few misc. pages that I still actually care about. 

4. Fresh flowers - I'd like to say, up front, that I am not a florist. Some people have a way of arranging flowers so beautifully. For me, it's hit or miss. But I do not let it stop me from bringing home and enjoying fresh flowers. It doesn't have to be a super pricey, fancy bouquet. Usually, I mix and match two or three $3.98 bunches from the grocery store and sort of fuss with them until it looks decent in a vase. Or sometimes I'll just get a $10 bouquet. It's a small treat for myself to having something new and fresh and colorful in the house to enjoy.

5. Instagram - For all the accounts I've unliked/unfollowed on Facebook, I've liked two more on Instagram. Since Instagram is a photo based platform I'm a little more blasé about who I follow. I'd like to share with you a few accounts that make me happy, give me life, and make me laugh. 

* @157ofgemma - Gemma is an artist that draws comics of her life with her husband, two chihuahuas, and MOCHI the pug. Mochi is, of course, the star of the show. Her stories (with drawn in talking/thought bubbles) are super cute.

* @deannacat3 - Deanna and her husband live in CA with their two cats and a handful of chickens. Their take on growing plants, flowers, and food on their own urban property is very inspirational. And she is kind enough to share all her knowledge with her followers. She does great tutorial stories that she saves in her highlights. 

* @kellie_and_pete - Pete is an illustrator that has been drawing comics of his life with his wife and daughter for the last six years. This is a newer account that I just started following. I love the total honesty and relatability of his drawings. Most are funny, some are poignant, all of them are real.

Bread and Blessings

"It is pleasant: one of those almost hypnotic businesses, like a dance from some ancient ceremony. It leaves you filled with peace, and the house filled with one of the world's sweetest smells. But it takes a lot of time. If you can find that, the rest is easy. And if you cannot rightly find it, make it, for probably there is no chiropractic treatment, no Yoga exercise, no hour of meditation in a music-throbbing chapel, that will leave you emptier of bad thoughts than this homely ceremony of making bread.”
― M.F.K. Fisher, How to Cook a Wolf

Happy Lammas everyone!! Lammas is considered the first of three harvest Sabbats. If you live in a place that is anything like West Texas, the summer heat can be unrelenting. After a gazillion consecutive days of 100+ temps and drought like conditions, the very idea of autumn can seem like fake news.

This is why I enjoy celebrating the seasonal Sabbats. Lammas reminds us that summer will eventually come to an end. It seemed entirely appropriate that when Jeremy and I stepped out of the house this morning there was the slightest hint of coolness in the air. Although Jeremy was very quick to point out that it wouldn't last (which it didn't, of course), it's natures way of signaling that the seasonal calendar marches on. It's good to periodically remember that in a world full of chaos and uncertainties, the spinning of the earth and changing of the seasons can always be relied upon.

Back in the day, this time of year denoted the first harvest, as farmers prepared to reap their wheat and corn fields. Lammas is essentially the celebration of bread. And I am here for all of that! Who doesn't want to celebrate bread? Now is the time to dig out your Grandma's homemade bread recipe and get your hands in some fresh dough. If you do not have a bread recipe from your Grandma, I have you covered. See below for my Grandma's recipe that I use to make homemade bread.

If baking is really not your thing, you can always check out your local farmers market to pick up a freshly made loaf (along with some locally made jelly or jam...yum). Or if you have sworn off bread (I am so sorry), this is the time of year to acknowledge the results from plans put in motion at the beginning of the year (i.e. New Years resolutions and the like).  Lammas is the gateway into fall and a wonderful time to take stock of the things that might still need some work but to also give thanks for all the many blessings in your life. 

Grandma's White Bread Recipe

1/2 cup milk

3 tablespoons sugar

2 teaspoons salt

3 tablespoons margarine or butter

1 1/2 cups warm water (105-115 degrees)

1 package yeast

5 1/2 cups flour (about)

Preheat over to 400.

Scald milk; stir in sugar, salt, and butter. Cool to lukewarm. Measure warm water into large bowl, sprinkle in yeast and stir until dissolved. Add in milk mixture and 3 cups of flour. Beat until smooth. Add additional flour to make a soft dough. Knead until smooth and elastic, about 8 to 10 minutes. Form into smooth ball. Place in greased bowl (I use olive oil), turning to grease top. Cover and let rise, free from draft until doubled in size, about one hour. Punch down and let rest for 15 minutes. Divide dough in half. Shape each half into a loaf and place in greased loaf pans (I use regular ol' PAM), cover and let rise for another hour. Bake in hot oven for 30 minutes. 

Mourning for what never was

My father passed away on Father's day weekend. It was unexpected. He hadn't been sick or in the hospital. He just went to bed and didn't wake up. He was 65. 

I wasn't sure how to feel about the news. I hadn't seen my dad in nine years. How are you suppose to grieve for an estranged parent? My first reaction was shocked numbness. I didn't really feel anything. And then I wept. My husband held me as I cried. I didn't really cry for the lose of a father. I couldn't really miss something I haven't had for the majority of my life. I mourned for the loss of what could have been...what should have been.

My parents divorced when I was ten. There were weekend visits with my dad, completely facilitated by my mom. My dad spent most of those weekends drinking with his friends, leaving us kids to our own devices. He lived on a 100 acres of land...I guess he figured we couldn't get into much trouble on our own. Between that and the missed holidays, it didn't take long for me to begin to understand that this whole fathering business just wasn't for my dad. And by the time I was seventeen, my dad had left the state...and he didn't leave a forwarding address. That pretty much put a period on my relationship with my dad.

I was angry at him for a really long time.

But my dad was who he was. I just wish that who he was would have had something to do with me or any of his kids. He never saw the need to change himself, or grow himself, to fit the role of "Father". And that is what I mourn for. The fact that he couldn't step up into the roll of being the dad we deserved.

For as often as I might say my dad was a terrible dad, I could also tell you that he was a great guy. Sometimes I wish I could have known him outside of a father-daughter dynamic. He was funny and easy going. He had a big smile and a great laugh. He enjoyed fishing, his rum and coke, and his smokes. He was true to himself, always.

Here's to health, peace, and prosperity

Today I have my once a year doctors visit. It is literally the only time I see my primary care physician. Or any physician, actually.  I didn't really want to come. It's not something I look forward to.  I did seriously consider rescheduling, for next year...or maybe the year after that.

But, here I am. And I know I'll dutifully schedule next years appointment before I leave..like I always do.

Because I know there are so many that can't go to the doctor unless they are gravely ill, if even then. Never mind the luxury of a yearly wellness check. I know there are so many people out there that have chronic issues that require so many doctor visits, so much poking and prodding all of the time. Once a year would seem like a dream to them.

So I have to be real with myself. I am fortunate. I'm lucky that I even have a PCP at all. I'm lucky that this once a year appointment costs me nothing. I'm lucky that this small inconvenience only has to happen once a year. I am really lucky to be a relatively healthy person all around. 

After my appointment is over (and I've scheduled next years appointment) I am taking myself for a smoothie....to toast to my good health and all my many blessings.

Dear Target...we need to talk

Target...I love you, I do. And sometimes we have to be tough on those we love. Please remember....this all comes from a place of love.

There use to be a day when any time anyone paid me a compliment on my shoes I could proudly tell them I found the shoes at Target. Never mind that the Target we have here in little ol' nowhere Texas is THE SMALLEST TARGET to grace this green earth. And the shoe department is laughably miniscule.  How it always seems to remain in a state of utter disarray is a mystery to me. Even with those black marks against my local Target, I knew that if I hit it just right or dug around long enough, I could walk away with a pair of cute, on trend shoes that would stay in style of many seasons.  It would appear those days might be coming to an end.

Because I'm seeing an alarming trend. The fashion of the shoes available at Target are...well...they are...um...how do I say this....

They are just ugly. Ok. Like, really ugly.

I mean...what is even happening here. It's like someone took some ugly plastic flowers and super glued them on to some old soccer slip ons. Don't know what I'm talking about? Go google 'soccer slip on sandals'. I'll wait.

Uh huh. Exactly.

Is this fashion? Or an after school craft project?

Someone saved the carpet from Grandma's bathroom and decided to tie it on some slip on shoes. No. Just no.

I've already lived (survived?) the 80's once. I am NOT doing it again.

Do NOT go to Target and buy these shoes. I promise you, on the life of my pug, that you can go to ANY Goodwill or Salvation Army and find these exact shoes for a $1 ($.50 on Tuesdays).  

In the words of the infinitely wise and hilarious Kalen Allen...absolutely not.

June 1st, 2018

Hi.

It's been over a year since I've been to this space. *sigh* I've always felt a little silly blogging. Even though I've been doing it (on and off) for years.  Like many other things I do to try and "put myself out there", it tends to feed into my ever present feelings of being inadequate. It's something I've struggled with as an adult. It's something I'm working on all of the time.

And even though that voice is always in my mind telling me...I am not good enough, that no one really cares, that I am being dumb...my heart will not let me stop. And even though I haven't really thought much about this blog in a very long time....all of the sudden, it's in my heart to try and do this thing again.

Who am I to deny my heart?

I'm not sure I CAN deny my heart. It's fairly persistent. Just slightly more persistent than the voice in my head.

Here's to trying again (and again and again) and listening to your heart.

Capsule Wardrobe

I blogged about our tiny closets before. Our bedroom closet is about the size of a postage stamp and shared between the two of us. It is the only true clothing closet in the house. All other closets have been converted to shelving storage. Anyway, about a month ago, I got the idea of re-booting my wardrobe. So, I started doing research on how to build a capsule wardrobe. Like anything else in the house, I wanted to know if I could do more with less.

I knew I was tired of having my half of the closet crammed with clothes when I know I didn't wear most of it. I knew I didn't want to spend a fortune on new clothes. I knew that I wanted to feel good in all the pieces I did have in my closet.

So, I began with the great cull. I removed everything from my closet and drawers and tossed it on the bed. And then I tried everything on. Some things I had only worn once, which made it hard for me to let it go. But, if I hadn't worn it in over a year, if I didn't feel totally comfortable in it (no 'it will fit if I just lose x amount of weight), if it had any holes or stains on it.....it had to go.

I ended up with two full trash bags and several hangers worth of clothes to donate. I would say I probably got rid of 90% of the clothes in my closet. All that space that was being wasted for all those years. The next step was to purchase new pieces that were versatile, classic, and not overly expensive. I'd say I spent just under $500 and purchased six tops, one dress, two pair of pants, a cargo vest, and five pair of shoes. These were added back to the few items I decided to keep.

Here are all the outfits I have put together in the last month using my much smaller wardrobe:

You can see all my #ootd on my instragram acct: justjinny

I haven't missed anything I decided to get rid of. Once I pulled everything out of my closet, I found that there were very few pieces that I truly loved or felt good wearing. Now that my clothes and shoes have been overhauled, the next thing I'll probably do is sort through my jewelry. A few more statement pieces in that area would open even more options for my new, yet smaller, wardrobe.

Shopping sources:

Maurice's
Target
Payless
Flaunt Boutique

Time to change it up

So, yesterday I got a wild hair up my back side and decided to start changing things up in the kitchen. The cabinet that stores all our cups and glasses was ridiculously full. How on earth do two people accumulate so many beverage containers?!?! Do they multiply in the middle of the night? I think it was more the fact that we sometimes have a hard time letting things go. We think maybe we'll use it someday or it has a special occasion tied to it. But, with little homes its just not practical to hold on to things that serve no purpose. So after a quick cull, the cabinet looks much better and it actually opened up space on the top shelf where other things can be stored, if needed.

Notice the under-cabinet wine rack. Another great idea when you don't have a lot of counter space.

After that, I pulled down the thick yellow and orange checkered curtains that have been hanging over the kitchen sink for years and years. They went from the very top of the window to pretty much the very bottom. The muted yellow and orange, like many things we initially selected for our kitchen, just made things look dark and dingy. I was SICK of looking at them! And even though it left the window totally naked I didn't care. They were coming down..forever.

Look how much light comes in that window without the curtains blocking it! As much as I loved all the light, once the sun went down it left us feeling a little exposed. So I knew I wouldn't be able to leave it bare for very long. After I got off work today I thought I might run out and see if I could find a cheap pair of simple, sheer curtains that would still let the light in but give us our privacy at night. I knew I didn't want to spend a lot of money but as I was looking at the window envisioning what exactly I wanted I was feeling doubtful I'd be able to find what I wanted at any local store.

And then inspiration hit...tea towels!

Never mind the paint sample. They are all over our house right now.

My mom bought these tea towels for me two Christmases ago (you can still find them here). And I really love them, but they are sort of wasted hanging on the doors down there. We don't use them to dry anything, they have been there strictly for decoration but without being at eye-level they are easily forgotten about.  I decided to elevate their status.

I whipped out my sewing machine and set it right on my kitchen counter. I measured how long I wanted the new curtains to be and then measured how much of an opening the old curtain had for the rod. That's all I really needed and in less than 20 minutes I had stitched two new curtain panels that would be exactly what I wanted.  Once my husband came home and moved the hardware down to were I wanted it I popped the rod back in place. And there you have it!

The light fixture will be replaced, eventually.

 The tea towels ended up being a perfect solution. We still get light coming in, but it will still give us the privacy we need once it gets dark in the evenings. I actually feel like this is a much better use for the towels rather than just hanging on the lower cabinet doors. And it also doesn't hurt that this cost me zero dollars.

 

17 for 2017

I'm not real big on resolutions. I feel like making resolutions can put a lot of pressure on people or set unrealistic expectations. AND let's not get into the fact that most of the time New Year resolutions revolve around losing weight. I hate it. I really kind of hate it. lol. I just think it's dumb that we are made to feel that we have to start the year off with being miserable or unhappy...thus needing the resolution (you know, so we can all be thin and happy...because that's the way life works...<insert eyeroll>)

As much as I dislike resolutions, I do think it's a good idea to reflect on the coming year and what you want to try and accomplish in that year. How do you want your year to go? What do you hope to do more of this year? Less of? All I know is when I ask myself these questions I'm not thinking 'You know, I really hope this year I eat more salad' or 'This is the year I will lose those 10 lbs....again' OR 'I am going to work out every single day and restrict my diet until I can fit into size XX'. No...just no.

So, here are my goals (resolutions..whatEV) for 2017:

1. Be authentic. I'm always striving to get closer to my most authentic self. I want to laugh more (and louder..who cares who hears), I want to sass more (these usually means just letting go of my filter, people are surprised when I let the chain off the gate from my brain to my mouth), I want to set boundaries if I need to..and have people respect those boundaries. It's an always evolving process.

2.  Go on more dates. An instragram friend recently posted something about a good marriage being something you make...and keep making. I couldn't agree more. There is a lot to be said about staying in, especially for us (shout out, introverts). But, I think it's important to make the effort to get out of the house and away from chores and the pets (or kids, in other people's case), away from the pile of bills and the computers, TV's, and gaming consoles.

3. Support local/small business. In our little west Texas town, we have a thriving community of small local business's. I want to make a more pointed effort in supporting our local business.

4. Read. I use to be an avid reader, but it's been a long time since I've sat down and read a book. Which is sad. I think this year I want to try and branch out and read something other than romance. The thing is, I need a happy ending (which is one reason why I have leaned so heavily on the romance genre), so it's hard to branch out. I don't like reading sad shit, especially if it ends sad.

5. Go outside. I don't care if it's a park or just the back patio. If the weather permits, I want to try and be out in it.

6. Simplify. Life gets stressful when you let a lot of noise come into play. I don't want to get distracted by things that are not important. I don't want to weigh myself down worrying about things that are not important. I want to let go of things that no longer serve a purpose in my life. I want to let go of relationships that do not help me be my most authentic self.

7. Invest. I want to invest in things and people that will help me grow my happiness, security, and health. This means investing time in myself, in the relationships that I want to strengthen, in my hobbies. It means investing money into our love cottage and in our future.

8. Save. I put this down, but I'm still thinking about what it means exactly. Money is the first thing that comes to mind, and although that is part of it, I want it to be about more than money.

9. Donate. I want to help my community and the causes that are close to my heart. So, I want to donate time where I can, or money when I can, or stuff (see #6).

10. Meditate. This sounds real "woo-woo", but I don't really plan to start any serious meditation practice. For me, this is more about getting still, getting quiet, slowing down and just breathing. I might try to incorporate "internet free" days into my week.

11. Host. We have set up our back patio to be a great place to host people, but we rarely have guests over (introverts...remember). I want to try and change that this year. I want to step out of the comfort zone and have people over to enjoy our love cottage.

12. Invite. I want to make more effort inviting people out. To lunch. To dinner. To happy hour. For a movie.

13. Get some culture. I want to see more plays, see more art, hear more live music. Maybe #12 and #13 can work together here.

14. Create. I want to create just for the joy of creating. As much as I enjoy sewing and cross stitch, and even writing, my heart is really with photography. My camera has been neglected. And recently I took it out for some test shots and it's not acting right (it's several years old now). So, it might be time to invest (see #7) in a new camera.

15. Explore. I want to learn. If I'm drawn to something, I want to dive into it and learn what I can. I want to go to new places. I want to meet new people. I want to say 'yeah, let's do that'.

16. Listen to more music. I don't listen to the radio much, but I recently downloaded the Spotify app and I have the I Heart Radio app. I want to listen to more music, while I'm cooking or cleaning or working or whatever. I sent out a SOS on my Facebook page, asking for music recommendations and boy did my friends deliver! I have a ton of artists to check out now (while I've been writing this post, I've been listening to Lady Gaga and Logic).

17. Ask for help. Just like #16, I asked for help and I got it! I want to be brave enough to ask for help (even if it's music recommendations) from my family, friends, and peers. So, if you are reading this list...and you think you could help...I WANT your help. Help me get closer and closer to being my most happy and authentic self. And maybe I can help you too.

Finding Space in a Tiny Home

Has anyone been catching the Tiny House Hunters on HGTV? I watch mostly for the amusement factor. People go down their "must have" list and it's always a king size bed and a full-sized bath tub, or a walk in closet and a bathroom that isn't any where near the kitchen, oooorrrrr some space where I can get away from the other person I am sharing this tiny space with. And I can't help but giggle every time they use the phrase 'But its just so small'.

My love cottage isn't on the 'tiny home' spectrum in that sense. We aren't on wheels. We aren't sleeping in a loft that has no head space. We aren't having to pee in our toilet/shower combo area. But one thing we do have in common with the tiny homes is finding storage in every nook and cranny.  Every time they show a hidden cubbie, built into the floor or raised bed platform or wherever, I think how clever it is.  It's really helped me think in the same way as I look around my own home.

It's not like we haven't talked about remodeling. Of course, we have. But it's just not a feasible option for us. Instead, I started to search for space that was being wasted. I started to hunt down items and products that would fit in those spaces. One of the more obvious areas that usually goes wasted is under the beds. We store several of the husband's guitar cases under the guest bedroom. We have a few different plastic containers stored under our bed. One of them is a container with a drawer (similar item here). I don't even have to dig the container out from under the bed to access what is stored in it, I just open the drawer up. It's pretty handy.

In our love cottage, another area that made me a little crazy was in the kitchen. Our washing machine is in our kitchen. But the dryer is outside in the utility shed. For years, we have had the typical large plastic laundry baskets to slub our wet and dry clothes in and out of the house. But because of the layout we didn't have anywhere to put those baskets except on top of the washing machine when not in use. Although they weren't technically in the way while on the washing machine, they just took up a lot of visual room in my small galley kitchen. Basically, I was sick of looking at them! So, I did a quick google search and found collapsible laundry baskets. Now, they aren't the most inexpensive thing in the world. The traditional laundry baskets cost under $10, so the price tag was a little jarring. I put them on my Christmas list (but I would have bought them myself if I didn't get them under the tree) and my sweet mother gifted them to me. Now, I just tuck them away beside the refrigerator (another spot that was just wasted space before) and they are out of sight.

You never know what is out there until you start looking. Find an empty space in your home and start thinking about what you could put in that spot that would help create new storage opportunities.

Do you have any areas in your home that you have found a storage use for? Or a handy item that has helped you keep your home organized? I want to hear about it!

Ready to Kiss 2016 Goodbye

Hey gang! I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. Mine was slightly chaotic. But that seems par for the course this year. I really want to go into the new year with a calmer spirit. I'm trying my best to scratch off my 'to do' items or just get OK with things going undone. Because that's ok. All the things do not have to be done! I am trying to retrain my brain.

I'm ready to put a lid on this year. It hasn't all been bad, but it has been a wild, non-stop roller coaster. I am more than ready to step into the new year and settle down, to practice simple living and find some calm. With New Year's Eve coming up, I've been thinking about New Year's traditions.

I know a large group of wild women who believe wholeheartedly in burying money on New Year's Eve and digging it up the next morning. The idea is that you bury your poverty and then you uncover your wealth. I think there is some discussion about what you can then do with that money. I think the majority rule is that you cannot spend it, but you can donate it. {Y'all can keep me honest in the comments}

Many people go out for New Year's Eve. My husband and I did that for a handful of years. It can be a lot of fun to dress up all fancy and spend the evening out with friends.

But for the last couple of years, we have found that we enjoy spending New Year's Eve at home. Big surprise, right? I think we are so blessed to enjoy each other and our home so much that it is actually where we chose to be. So our tradition is to stay home and make nachos and drink margaritas.

What are your New Year's traditions? Do you go out and party it up? Or do you stay home and have a more intimate celebration? OR do you go to bed early?

Do you get up on New Year's day and go run a 5k? Or spend the day in your pajamas putting up Christmas decorations?

Does anyone have any special food or drink they make for the New Year's?