The First Father's Day

Today is Father's day.

Today also marks the 1st anniversary of my dad's passing.

If you've been following along for any amount of time, you'll already know that my dad was pretty absent from most of my life. His passing was sudden and unexpected. It forced me and my sister into a world we had never been a part of. And the whole experience just reinforced how foreign we were to him and his life.

The very nice condolences left on the funeral home website mentioned how dependable he was, how they could count on him for anything. And as I read them I would think, 'Who is THAT person?', because it wasn't the man I knew. In my experience my dad was a lot of things, but dependable wasn't one of them. After the memorial service was over, every person that filed by, after fiercely hugging my step-sister, would tepidly shake my hand without a bit of recognition in their eyes.  The majority of those people had no idea who I was, and what my relationship was to their deceased friend. I understand why they wouldn't know who I was, but it still hurt my heart.

Sorting out his few belongings in his tiny apartment was another ordeal.  I kept saying I didn't care what happened to the stuff in the apartment, and that I certainly didn't want any of it.  I avoided being in the apartment and instead loitered outside.  I blamed the cigarette smell, which was part of it. Looking back now, it was mostly because being in his sad little apartment and going through his meager belongings would just finalize the alienation of our relationship. He had framed photos of my sister and I piled in a box. As if he had won the box in an auction without knowing what was in it, and then realizing later that it didn't contain anything he wanted or needed. I understand that my dad was a widowed bachelor who never had a need to do a lot of decorating, which is the more likely reason why the photos were in boxes, but it still hurt my heart.

And, really, that's what it all comes down to. Everything about that day crushed my heart. I handled the whole situation with simmering anger, disdain, and feigned indifference in an attempt to keep all other emotions at arms length. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to miss him. I didn't want to feel regret.  And I didn't want my heart to hurt.

Why didn't he want me? Why was he ok with being absent from my life for all of those years?  Why did we have to end up as strangers to one another? Why weren't we worth the effort to try and be a better dad?

I would say I'll never get those answers now, but honestly I wouldn't get the answers even if he were still alive. My dad had no real answers for his behavior. He just lived his life the way that was best for him, and I'm not sure he gave much thought to who he hurt in the process. And that's how he left us, without much thought to who he would hurt in the process.

I'm working on letting go of the anger. It still might take me a little more time. But I'm trying to remember the good memories, most of them from when I was young. We did have our moments. And to mark the first year of his passing, I wanted to do something to honor him...something to help heal my still broken heart.  So, I've decided to make a donation to the Alcohol & Drug Abuse Council for the Concho Valley. Maybe my small donation will help another dad out there who is struggling, but still trying, to be a better father to his kids.

Happy Father's day, Dad.

The Up's and Down's

Life is crazy, y'all.

Sometimes it's mind numbingly boring. 

It's messy and confusing. It's scary and exciting. It can be funny. It can be heartbreaking. 

And split-second after split-second it is changing. You might not always be able to see it or feel it, but life never sits still. 

I believe I have self-diagnosed depression. I can be going about my life, minding my own business, when my brain takes a noise dive into numbness. It can be set off by the littlest thing. And once it starts, it's like a plane falling out of the sky. 

I was doing really good this year. I made up my mind at the start of the year to manage my expectations and it had been working really well. Until a few weeks ago.  I cannot even tell you how it happened or why, but the crash was swift and brutal. I felt like a robot on the energy-save mode. 

I've never considered hurting myself, but during that week, I started to understand why people do. I couldn't stop the thoughts from going around and around in my head.

'Why am I like this?'

'Why can't I just be normal?'

'Why do I have to be such a burden to everyone around me?'

'Why can't I just snap out of it?'

'What is the point of all of this?'

'I'm a terrible wife....daughter...sister....friend.'

'No one cares what I think.'

'I am worthless.'

You know....all the depressing thoughts. I wish I could say what triggers it or what makes it finally lift.  Probably chemicals in my brain rebalancing themselves or something. All I know is that it was suddenly like the gauze cloth being lifted from my eyes. Everything seemed clearer, brighter, lighter. The auto-pilot light was suddenly switched off.  

I'm not talking about all of this to get any sympathy. I'm talking about this because I'm so thankful that life can be a teeter-totter.  I'm so lucky that life is like the earth, and it keeps spinning. I'm so grateful that I get another chance to try to figure things out and be a better me.

So, for right now, the reset button has been hit. I am smiling and laughing, I'm sleeping well and enjoying my garden.  I'm taking full advantage of the reprieve, for however long it lasts. 

Twilight..and not the vampire kind

Summer ends, and Autumn comes, and he who would have it otherwise would have high tide always and a full moon every night; and thus he would never know the rhythms that are at the heart of life. ~Hal Borland

Happy Mabon! Or Happy fall, y'all!!  The autumn equinox is the tipping point from summer into fall. Light starts to give way to the dark.  The night creeps up slowly to claim more and more of the day. The sun starts losing it's strength and the air turns cooler.  If you imagine that the year is like one long day, Mabon would be twilight.  That time of day when the sun has just dipped down beyond the horizon. That time of day when dinner is cleaned up, school and work projects are completed and put away. That time of day when everyone slips into cozy pajamas after night time baths.

Fall is the world getting ready to tuck itself in for the long winter sleep after working hard to gather the harvest. It's a time to rest, refresh, and recharge. Since most of us don't have to work to gather an actual harvest any longer, the fall can be a great time to clean things out or complete projects. Forget spring cleaning, autumn cleaning is where it's at. You want to be ready to go into this time of year with a clutter free home and mind. If you have clutter in your closets, or drawers, or car trunks, or table tops, now is the time to pull it all out and get it sorted. If you have unfinished projects at home or at work, now is the time to try and wrap them up.

Here are some other things you can do to celebrate the autumn equinox:

1. Go for a walk. The weather will be cooling off. The days might still be warm, but the evenings will start getting that crisp nip quickly now. Grab a cardigan and your loved one and take a stroll around the block.

2. Plant some bulbs. Many flowering plants can be planted now to germinate over the winter. Here in Texas, Irises do very well in our climate.

3. Bake something! Now is the prefect time to make all the apple or pumpkin things you have pinned on your Fall Pinterest board. Share them with your friends, neighbors, coworkers, and/or teachers.

Whatever you decide to do, be sure to take just a few minutes to enjoy the changing of the seasons (no matter how slow the change seems to happen). Take a few minutes to make a list, mentally or physically, on all your many blessings. Take a few minutes to just breath and get ready for the coming holiday season.

Lean into Love

Yesterday, my best friend and I were chatting back and forth on the Marco Polo app. Somehow our conversation took a turn into the muck that is current life in the United States. Both of us expressed feeling helpless during these tumultuous times. I told her that I felt like we were living in a pressure cooker, everything coming up to a violent boil with the very dangerous potential of exploding. Between the current political climate and good ol' social media, people are finding something to be outraged about, something to be afraid of or insulted by, every minute of every day. Or, at least, that's how it seems. And it can be very overwhelming and disheartening.

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm tired of seeing people burning products or boycotting businesses or sharing another ugly meme. I'm tired of people's "burn them at the stake" attitudes. When people don't agree with something, why does our first reaction seem to be towards hate and destruction, war and killing, violence and insults? Is that really what this country is about?

That isn't what I'm about. I would rather turn away from anger and hate and lean into love and kindness.

So instead of going at an issue in anger, thinking how I can "bring them down" or "bankrupt that company" or whatever...I want to ask myself 'how can I help?' or 'who can I support instead?' Let's use the Colin Kaepernick and Nike situation as an example. People are upset because they feel like Nike and Colin Kaepernick are being disrespectful to the flag and to our military/veterans. Instead of boycotting the NFL or burning all their Nike gear, why not donate to a organization that helps our military or volunteer at a local VA office or clinic?

Personally, I get really upset when I see animals that have been abused, neglected, or abandoned. I have very strong opinions on breeding dogs. But you won't find me ranting or arguing with anyone on social media.  Instead I think about how I can positively support that ideas I do believe in. I raise money for animal rescue, I share when our local shelter or rescues are having low cost clinics, I promote the adoption of shelter/rescue animals, I sponsor adoption fees.

At the end of the day, I don't want people to know what I'm against. I want people to know what I am passionate about, what I support, what I love, where my heart is. And I encourage you to do the same. Let's all consider how to invest in the issues and causes that matter to us in positive and uplifting ways. Let's all look at ways we can help and support, instead of destroy and tear down.

 Let's lean into kindness. Let's lean into love.

Reason #365 why adulting sucks...grocery shopping

Everyone loves grocery shopping, right? There is nothing like spending an hour or more playing shopping cart chicken with aisles crowded with the meandering, clueless, and self-absorbed. I mean, I really enjoy waiting on people who park their cart on one side of the aisle and then stand in the middle of the other half of the aisle while staring with glazed eyes at the choices for canned corn totally oblivious to the traffic jam of other shoppers that is piling up as we all wait for them to make a decision. I can totally understand their dilemma...so many corn choices. Or, I also love shopping behind the go-cart grandmas who will not hesitate to back up on a dime and mow right over your toes. And then give YOU the stink eye. It's great. There are also parents who let the kids push the carts (just stop) and people who do not understand the concept of personal space (Hi..maybe we should at least exchange names before you get all up in my business). Who doesn't love dealing with all of THAT, and then getting a cranky checkout person, and THEN getting home only to realize you forgot something.

Grocery shopping can be a beating.

Over the years, I have honed our shopping trips into a streamlined process to try and cut down the time in the store and to ensure we buy the things we need. It all starts with the menu. Jeremy and I do a large shopping trip every two weeks. So, I make a dinner menu for two weeks out. Here are a few things I like to keep in mind while putting the menu together.

1. What is happening in the next two weeks? We have been trying to get to the gym on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. So I know we will have less time for dinner on those evenings and try to plan for something that's a little quicker to throw together. And on every Friday I go to my Grandmas and Jeremy fends for himself for dinner. For your family, it might be weekly sports practice or Wednesday night bible studies.

2. Trade off who is responsible for cooking dinner. If you and your partner share the cooking responsibilities, be sure to mix up meals that you make vs. meals they make. It's always nice to have a "night off" from cooking dinner.

3. Do you have any meals leftover from the last two weeks? Sometimes things pop up and you end up eating out or ordering in. That night's dinner might still be waiting for you to make. You can always rollover that dinner idea over onto the next menu.

Once the dinner menu has been put together, I start making the shopping list.

1. First I go over what is needed to make each of the dinners on the menu. What do I need to make that meal vs. what I already have. During the big shopping trip, I'll only purchase vegetables needed for the menu items in the first week. We do make a small grocery run the following weekend, and I'll pick up whatever vegetables we need for the week after that. It's hard to keep your produce fresh for two whole weeks, so we do it this way to avoid waste and re-purchasing.

2. After the dinner menu has been covered, I list items we need for breakfast and lunch. Do we need cereal, oatmeal, lunch meat, bread?

3. Then we go over misc. food items. Do we need orange juice, coffee, creamer, snack foods, sour cream, ketchup, butter, etc.?

4. Next up is cleaning and storage items. Do we need dish soap, laundry soup, trash bags, paper towels, ziplock bags, air fresheners, all purpose cleaner, etc.?

5. From there we go over bathroom items. Do we need toilet paper, toothpaste, shaving cream, razors, shampoo or conditioner? Do I need to buy more bobby pins or purchase a new blow dryer? Those items would be listed here.

6. Last, are misc. household items. Do we need pet food, greeting cards, kitchen gadgets, dish towels, candles, lightbulbs, air filters, etc?

Now, we only do our shopping at one store. I know people like to go to different stores because of better deals, or better selection. But we ain't got time for that. Since we shop at only one store, we know the layout very, very well. So, for the last step of getting my shopping list together, I use a legal sized envelope and I organize my shopping list based on how we make our way through the store. This helps avoid back tracking, no one wants to be zig zagging all over the dang store because you forgot this or that. This also helps us avoid picking up things we do not need. There are aisles we never even go down because there is nothing on our list down that aisle.

The envelope is also handy for holding any coupons I might need  to bring with me or coupons I pick up in the store. I do use coupons, but only to a certain extent. If what I'm already buying comes with a free item, I will only grab the free item if its something on my list or something I know we will use. I have limited space to store my groceries, so I can't bring home anything we don't want or use or need....even for free. Since we are only shopping for two people, if a coupon is only valid if we buy two (or three) of an item to get the discount, I won't buy more than we need or can store just to save a $1. It is OK to walk away from a coupon deal. Stick with your list as best you can.

During the next two weeks, in the morning while I'm getting my lunch together for the work day, I'll check the menu to see if I need to take something out of the freezer for dinner that night. If it's beef or pork, I usually take that out in the morning. If it's chicken, I'll wait to take that out when I get home from work (I get home by 3:30, so it gives me plenty of time before dinner to let it thaw...this might not work for you so you might have to take it out in the morning).  If something comes up that day....we are running later or just ran out of energy to be messing with cooking a protein, we will put the thawed item in the fridge to use the next day. Some people are very particular on how they handle their raw/thawed out protein. If the idea of having something out in a sink of water to thaw during the work day oogs you out, you might have to be a day ahead of your menu to allow things to thaw in the fridge. If the idea of putting something that has been out to thaw all day in the fridge to use later oogs you out, you could always cook that protein really quick (brown your beef or broil your chicken while you wait on the pizza delivery guy) and then store it in the fridge to be used in the next few days.

Shew! That's a lot of information. We have been doing our shopping this way for so long that it's more habit now. A lot of the stuff above I can do without having to really even think about it. And this exact thought process might not work for your family. But maybe it will be a good starting point to finding what does work for you and your family.

Five things that are bringing me joy

1. The Beach Vibes Spotify playlist - I started using Spotify in the evenings while I was cooking dinner. I stumbled across this playlist when I was searching for something that would help me relax after work, something that would make me dance in the kitchen, something that would make me smile. This playlist is all those things. Even Jeremy and my sister have started listening to it. It's the perfect thing to put on when you are sitting on your back porch having a few drinks on a Friday night. 

2. Hummingbird feeders - Not last summer, but the summer before that, I would sit on my back porch in the morning and watch a hummingbird or two come and visit our one feeder while I had my coffee. I was so sad when I didn't see any last summer. I think the feeder we were using was just not to their liking. We switched back to the basic plastic red feeder and added two more to the yard. We make simple sugar water to put in our feeders. And I'm so happy to say that the hummingbirds are back. I've seen them at the feeders at just about any time of day and they have even taken up hanging out under our patio on our twinkle lights. 

3. My cleaned out Facebook feed - Social media is an addictive time suck. I really hate how much time I spend on many of the social media platforms, but I can't seem to stop myself. I was tired of scrolling through Facebook seeing a bunch of stuff that I didn't care about. This isn't about UNFRIENDING people. This is about UNLIKING the pages of TV shows, movies, authors, big box stores, local stores, restaurants, direct sales reps, animals, political groups, etc. The list just goes on and on and on. Everyone and everything has a Facebook page nowadays and it was just getting to be too much for me. My Facebook feed is back to being more in-line with what I want to be seeing, friends and family, and a few misc. pages that I still actually care about. 

4. Fresh flowers - I'd like to say, up front, that I am not a florist. Some people have a way of arranging flowers so beautifully. For me, it's hit or miss. But I do not let it stop me from bringing home and enjoying fresh flowers. It doesn't have to be a super pricey, fancy bouquet. Usually, I mix and match two or three $3.98 bunches from the grocery store and sort of fuss with them until it looks decent in a vase. Or sometimes I'll just get a $10 bouquet. It's a small treat for myself to having something new and fresh and colorful in the house to enjoy.

5. Instagram - For all the accounts I've unliked/unfollowed on Facebook, I've liked two more on Instagram. Since Instagram is a photo based platform I'm a little more blasé about who I follow. I'd like to share with you a few accounts that make me happy, give me life, and make me laugh. 

* @157ofgemma - Gemma is an artist that draws comics of her life with her husband, two chihuahuas, and MOCHI the pug. Mochi is, of course, the star of the show. Her stories (with drawn in talking/thought bubbles) are super cute.

* @deannacat3 - Deanna and her husband live in CA with their two cats and a handful of chickens. Their take on growing plants, flowers, and food on their own urban property is very inspirational. And she is kind enough to share all her knowledge with her followers. She does great tutorial stories that she saves in her highlights. 

* @kellie_and_pete - Pete is an illustrator that has been drawing comics of his life with his wife and daughter for the last six years. This is a newer account that I just started following. I love the total honesty and relatability of his drawings. Most are funny, some are poignant, all of them are real.

Bread and Blessings

"It is pleasant: one of those almost hypnotic businesses, like a dance from some ancient ceremony. It leaves you filled with peace, and the house filled with one of the world's sweetest smells. But it takes a lot of time. If you can find that, the rest is easy. And if you cannot rightly find it, make it, for probably there is no chiropractic treatment, no Yoga exercise, no hour of meditation in a music-throbbing chapel, that will leave you emptier of bad thoughts than this homely ceremony of making bread.”
― M.F.K. Fisher, How to Cook a Wolf

Happy Lammas everyone!! Lammas is considered the first of three harvest Sabbats. If you live in a place that is anything like West Texas, the summer heat can be unrelenting. After a gazillion consecutive days of 100+ temps and drought like conditions, the very idea of autumn can seem like fake news.

This is why I enjoy celebrating the seasonal Sabbats. Lammas reminds us that summer will eventually come to an end. It seemed entirely appropriate that when Jeremy and I stepped out of the house this morning there was the slightest hint of coolness in the air. Although Jeremy was very quick to point out that it wouldn't last (which it didn't, of course), it's natures way of signaling that the seasonal calendar marches on. It's good to periodically remember that in a world full of chaos and uncertainties, the spinning of the earth and changing of the seasons can always be relied upon.

Back in the day, this time of year denoted the first harvest, as farmers prepared to reap their wheat and corn fields. Lammas is essentially the celebration of bread. And I am here for all of that! Who doesn't want to celebrate bread? Now is the time to dig out your Grandma's homemade bread recipe and get your hands in some fresh dough. If you do not have a bread recipe from your Grandma, I have you covered. See below for my Grandma's recipe that I use to make homemade bread.

If baking is really not your thing, you can always check out your local farmers market to pick up a freshly made loaf (along with some locally made jelly or jam...yum). Or if you have sworn off bread (I am so sorry), this is the time of year to acknowledge the results from plans put in motion at the beginning of the year (i.e. New Years resolutions and the like).  Lammas is the gateway into fall and a wonderful time to take stock of the things that might still need some work but to also give thanks for all the many blessings in your life. 

Grandma's White Bread Recipe

1/2 cup milk

3 tablespoons sugar

2 teaspoons salt

3 tablespoons margarine or butter

1 1/2 cups warm water (105-115 degrees)

1 package yeast

5 1/2 cups flour (about)

Preheat over to 400.

Scald milk; stir in sugar, salt, and butter. Cool to lukewarm. Measure warm water into large bowl, sprinkle in yeast and stir until dissolved. Add in milk mixture and 3 cups of flour. Beat until smooth. Add additional flour to make a soft dough. Knead until smooth and elastic, about 8 to 10 minutes. Form into smooth ball. Place in greased bowl (I use olive oil), turning to grease top. Cover and let rise, free from draft until doubled in size, about one hour. Punch down and let rest for 15 minutes. Divide dough in half. Shape each half into a loaf and place in greased loaf pans (I use regular ol' PAM), cover and let rise for another hour. Bake in hot oven for 30 minutes.