Milestones and Memories

Jeremy texted me recently with 'I want to get you a Mustang for your 40th birthday' (I'll turn 40 next year).  I've been dreaming of getting a Ford Mustang for many years now, but I've never been able to justify the purchase in my mind.  Don't ask me why...I guess I always convinced myself that it wasn't practical. And also I'm the queen of talking myself out of buying anything frivolous or not desperately necessary.

Getting a Mustang to mark my 40th birthday sounds like a lot of fun. And it got me thinking about what other things I have wanted, but never allowed myself to have. To be honest, I couldn't come up with a whole lot of physical things. What can I say, I'm a simple girl who doesn't want for much in the way of material possessions.  Instead what kept coming to mind are experiences and travel.

I want to eat beignets and get covered in powered sugar in New Orleans. I want to go witch watching in Salem. I want to enjoy the cherry blossoms and visit the National Museum of Natural History in D.C. I want to watch fish being tossed at Pike Place Market, buy fresh flowers from a street vendor, and visit the kitty café in Seattle.  I want to eat a Czech kolache in West, TX.  I want to pick my own flowers at Krugers Farm on Sauvie Island. I want to eat Voodoo doughnuts. I want to walk among the Redwoods in Northern CA and visit the Garden of Fragrance in San Francisco.  I want to hunt for pirates in St. Petersburg, FL and hunt for elves in the Denver Museum of Nature and Science.  I want to go back to the Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs. I want to collect some driftwood on a beach on the Northwest Coast.

I want to visit old churches and grand universities. I want to walk the streets that our founding fathers walked. I want to go to quirky museums, dedicated to odd things. I want to wonder through book stores. I want to visit beautiful gardens.

And don't even get me started on Scotland. I am going to get there someday!

Maybe I'll get to do and see and eat all the things...all while cruising in my new mustang. Who knows....

But for now, we are visiting Asheville, NC at the end of July. I've never been to North Carolina so I'm very excited. There is a pinball museum in downtown Asheville that I have my eye on. And a trip to the Asheville Arboretum is on the schedule. 

Here's to milestone birthdays, dream cars, new experiences, and making memories.

Pump the Brakes

I consider myself to be a relatively smart person. But, there are moments when I definitely feel behind the times. Usually these moments involve some type of technology or social media.

A few weeks ago, while at my grandma's house for wine night..

Let's pause for just a moment to talk about wine night. My grandma has wine night at her house just about every Friday night. Usually it's my mom, three of my aunts, and me who go...with the occasional extra visitor or two if we have other relatives in town or a friend stopping by.

It was during one of these wine nights, when my aunt Gail asked me to move her vehicle since she was parked behind my aunt Kathy who was ready to leave. She handed me her key fob and told me it was a push button starter.

I head outside and hop in her Audi. Fancy, right? My aunt Gail likes nice things. I push the button and the air conditioning comes on, the radio comes on, it doesn't really sound like the engine came on. But hey...it's an AUDI...maybe the engine is quiet like a ninja? I put the car in reverse, press on the gas, and nothing happens.

I put the car back in park (I've learned my lesson with that one). I push the button again, everything turns back off.  Ok...maybe you have to push the button for longer...like turning on your iPhone? I push the start button again, longer this time, and again, the a/c and radio comes on, but the car goes no where when put in reverse.

My aunt Kathy, who is patiently waiting in her car in front of me, is looking at me in her mirrors.  I sit there sort of laughing at myself. This is ridiculous!! I am a smart, independent woman! I can figure this out.  I'm looking all over the console and around the steering wheel as I think.

There must be a trick to this...

I finally decide to press on the break while pushing the start button and A-HA!!!...the engine starts. My aunt Kathy throws her hands up in celebration.  I move the vehicle without any further issue and as my aunt backs out we both laughed at the whole situation and she says 'What do we know about fancy luxury vehicles?!' Listen y'all, I know push button starters are not technically a new feature or even a "luxury" feature. However, I drive a 2013 Honda Civic. My seats aren't even electric, okay.

I sat back down at the kitchen table, still snickering to myself. My mom and aunt Gail both want to know what is so funny. So, I tell them what happened and we all share a good laugh. My aunt Gail says 'Oh yeah, you do have to press the break. It's just such a habit I forgot all about it'.  

I guess my take away from this is...when you aren't sure what to do, maybe try pumping the brakes and see if that helps. 

The First Father's Day

Today is Father's day.

Today also marks the 1st anniversary of my dad's passing.

If you've been following along for any amount of time, you'll already know that my dad was pretty absent from most of my life. His passing was sudden and unexpected. It forced me and my sister into a world we had never been a part of. And the whole experience just reinforced how foreign we were to him and his life.

The very nice condolences left on the funeral home website mentioned how dependable he was, how they could count on him for anything. And as I read them I would think, 'Who is THAT person?', because it wasn't the man I knew. In my experience my dad was a lot of things, but dependable wasn't one of them. After the memorial service was over, every person that filed by, after fiercely hugging my step-sister, would tepidly shake my hand without a bit of recognition in their eyes.  The majority of those people had no idea who I was, and what my relationship was to their deceased friend. I understand why they wouldn't know who I was, but it still hurt my heart.

Sorting out his few belongings in his tiny apartment was another ordeal.  I kept saying I didn't care what happened to the stuff in the apartment, and that I certainly didn't want any of it.  I avoided being in the apartment and instead loitered outside.  I blamed the cigarette smell, which was part of it. Looking back now, it was mostly because being in his sad little apartment and going through his meager belongings would just finalize the alienation of our relationship. He had framed photos of my sister and I piled in a box. As if he had won the box in an auction without knowing what was in it, and then realizing later that it didn't contain anything he wanted or needed. I understand that my dad was a widowed bachelor who never had a need to do a lot of decorating, which is the more likely reason why the photos were in boxes, but it still hurt my heart.

And, really, that's what it all comes down to. Everything about that day crushed my heart. I handled the whole situation with simmering anger, disdain, and feigned indifference in an attempt to keep all other emotions at arms length. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to miss him. I didn't want to feel regret.  And I didn't want my heart to hurt.

Why didn't he want me? Why was he ok with being absent from my life for all of those years?  Why did we have to end up as strangers to one another? Why weren't we worth the effort to try and be a better dad?

I would say I'll never get those answers now, but honestly I wouldn't get the answers even if he were still alive. My dad had no real answers for his behavior. He just lived his life the way that was best for him, and I'm not sure he gave much thought to who he hurt in the process. And that's how he left us, without much thought to who he would hurt in the process.

I'm working on letting go of the anger. It still might take me a little more time. But I'm trying to remember the good memories, most of them from when I was young. We did have our moments. And to mark the first year of his passing, I wanted to do something to honor him...something to help heal my still broken heart.  So, I've decided to make a donation to the Alcohol & Drug Abuse Council for the Concho Valley. Maybe my small donation will help another dad out there who is struggling, but still trying, to be a better father to his kids.

Happy Father's day, Dad.

The Up's and Down's

Life is crazy, y'all.

Sometimes it's mind numbingly boring. 

It's messy and confusing. It's scary and exciting. It can be funny. It can be heartbreaking. 

And split-second after split-second it is changing. You might not always be able to see it or feel it, but life never sits still. 

I believe I have self-diagnosed depression. I can be going about my life, minding my own business, when my brain takes a noise dive into numbness. It can be set off by the littlest thing. And once it starts, it's like a plane falling out of the sky. 

I was doing really good this year. I made up my mind at the start of the year to manage my expectations and it had been working really well. Until a few weeks ago.  I cannot even tell you how it happened or why, but the crash was swift and brutal. I felt like a robot on the energy-save mode. 

I've never considered hurting myself, but during that week, I started to understand why people do. I couldn't stop the thoughts from going around and around in my head.

'Why am I like this?'

'Why can't I just be normal?'

'Why do I have to be such a burden to everyone around me?'

'Why can't I just snap out of it?'

'What is the point of all of this?'

'I'm a terrible wife....daughter...sister....friend.'

'No one cares what I think.'

'I am worthless.'

You know....all the depressing thoughts. I wish I could say what triggers it or what makes it finally lift.  Probably chemicals in my brain rebalancing themselves or something. All I know is that it was suddenly like the gauze cloth being lifted from my eyes. Everything seemed clearer, brighter, lighter. The auto-pilot light was suddenly switched off.  

I'm not talking about all of this to get any sympathy. I'm talking about this because I'm so thankful that life can be a teeter-totter.  I'm so lucky that life is like the earth, and it keeps spinning. I'm so grateful that I get another chance to try to figure things out and be a better me.

So, for right now, the reset button has been hit. I am smiling and laughing, I'm sleeping well and enjoying my garden.  I'm taking full advantage of the reprieve, for however long it lasts.