We are in hell...but at least there are flowers

I scrolled through my Facebook feed this morning.  The simmering anger that is constantly right below the surface, because our world is going to hell (if there is such a place...I mean, maybe this is hell) in a hand basket, boiled over.

Two mass shootings in a 24 hour period. Two MORE mass shootings.

I am angry. And I am tired.

I am tired of the 'trending now' list's and "head lines" carousel's being full of people hurting each other, hurting themselves, being greedy and insensitive and self-absorbed.

I am tired of the fake and useless thoughts and prayers from our elected officials who have the power and privilege to make a difference in this world. I am angry because I am certain in the knowledge that none of them will do anything about any of it because our system is broken and corrupt. I know this. Everyone knows this.  And none of us have any real power to do anything about it. So, please do not tell me to vote. I am tired of that too.

I am angry because I have zero power to fix this problem, this sickness. I can't force our elected officials to take direct and drastic action. Do NOT tell me to vote or call or write letters. Broken and corrupt, remember. They do.not.care.about.us.

I am angry because I feel the kernel of a revolution growing in my soul, but I have no real place to stoke that fire. The people in this country don't have the attention span for a real revolution. And honestly, the people in this country...as a whole...do.not.care.about.us.

So.....what can I do?

Well, I raise money for random things.  I've raised money for animal rescue multiple times, usually for animal rescues that are different states and that I've never directly worked with. But animal rescues are doing the hard work to help the most vulnerable of us. I've raised money for our local black box theatre. A place that is filled with love and laughter and creation. It's a bright star for me in this terribly dark world.  My fundraisers aren't really that big of a deal. To me it's a small thing to do, but it is SOMETHING to do. Something good and pure and minimally helpful.

I take pictures of flowers. This really doesn't help anyone but myself. I spend time outside in nature. The never ending birth and death cycle of plants helps me keep things in perspective. Humans are doing awful things in the world, but nature continuous on and will probably continue on long after we have totally destroyed ourselves.

Sometimes I bake stuff. Kneading the crap out of some bread dough can help with the anger. Sharing my baked goods with others, providing a pleasant surprise and tasty treat, helps to momentarily alleviate the tiredness.

I hold doors open for people. I pick up things that strangers have dropped to give back to them. I smile and wave at babies.

I stare at the moon. I feed the hummingbirds. I bring home heart shaped rocks. I cuss....a lot. And I laugh too loud.

None of these things are changing the world.....

But I have to do something.

The Up's and Down's

Life is crazy, y'all.

Sometimes it's mind numbingly boring. 

It's messy and confusing. It's scary and exciting. It can be funny. It can be heartbreaking. 

And split-second after split-second it is changing. You might not always be able to see it or feel it, but life never sits still. 

I believe I have self-diagnosed depression. I can be going about my life, minding my own business, when my brain takes a noise dive into numbness. It can be set off by the littlest thing. And once it starts, it's like a plane falling out of the sky. 

I was doing really good this year. I made up my mind at the start of the year to manage my expectations and it had been working really well. Until a few weeks ago.  I cannot even tell you how it happened or why, but the crash was swift and brutal. I felt like a robot on the energy-save mode. 

I've never considered hurting myself, but during that week, I started to understand why people do. I couldn't stop the thoughts from going around and around in my head.

'Why am I like this?'

'Why can't I just be normal?'

'Why do I have to be such a burden to everyone around me?'

'Why can't I just snap out of it?'

'What is the point of all of this?'

'I'm a terrible wife....daughter...sister....friend.'

'No one cares what I think.'

'I am worthless.'

You know....all the depressing thoughts. I wish I could say what triggers it or what makes it finally lift.  Probably chemicals in my brain rebalancing themselves or something. All I know is that it was suddenly like the gauze cloth being lifted from my eyes. Everything seemed clearer, brighter, lighter. The auto-pilot light was suddenly switched off.  

I'm not talking about all of this to get any sympathy. I'm talking about this because I'm so thankful that life can be a teeter-totter.  I'm so lucky that life is like the earth, and it keeps spinning. I'm so grateful that I get another chance to try to figure things out and be a better me.

So, for right now, the reset button has been hit. I am smiling and laughing, I'm sleeping well and enjoying my garden.  I'm taking full advantage of the reprieve, for however long it lasts. 

Lean into Love

Yesterday, my best friend and I were chatting back and forth on the Marco Polo app. Somehow our conversation took a turn into the muck that is current life in the United States. Both of us expressed feeling helpless during these tumultuous times. I told her that I felt like we were living in a pressure cooker, everything coming up to a violent boil with the very dangerous potential of exploding. Between the current political climate and good ol' social media, people are finding something to be outraged about, something to be afraid of or insulted by, every minute of every day. Or, at least, that's how it seems. And it can be very overwhelming and disheartening.

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm tired of seeing people burning products or boycotting businesses or sharing another ugly meme. I'm tired of people's "burn them at the stake" attitudes. When people don't agree with something, why does our first reaction seem to be towards hate and destruction, war and killing, violence and insults? Is that really what this country is about?

That isn't what I'm about. I would rather turn away from anger and hate and lean into love and kindness.

So instead of going at an issue in anger, thinking how I can "bring them down" or "bankrupt that company" or whatever...I want to ask myself 'how can I help?' or 'who can I support instead?' Let's use the Colin Kaepernick and Nike situation as an example. People are upset because they feel like Nike and Colin Kaepernick are being disrespectful to the flag and to our military/veterans. Instead of boycotting the NFL or burning all their Nike gear, why not donate to a organization that helps our military or volunteer at a local VA office or clinic?

Personally, I get really upset when I see animals that have been abused, neglected, or abandoned. I have very strong opinions on breeding dogs. But you won't find me ranting or arguing with anyone on social media.  Instead I think about how I can positively support that ideas I do believe in. I raise money for animal rescue, I share when our local shelter or rescues are having low cost clinics, I promote the adoption of shelter/rescue animals, I sponsor adoption fees.

At the end of the day, I don't want people to know what I'm against. I want people to know what I am passionate about, what I support, what I love, where my heart is. And I encourage you to do the same. Let's all consider how to invest in the issues and causes that matter to us in positive and uplifting ways. Let's all look at ways we can help and support, instead of destroy and tear down.

 Let's lean into kindness. Let's lean into love.

Mourning for what never was

My father passed away on Father's day weekend. It was unexpected. He hadn't been sick or in the hospital. He just went to bed and didn't wake up. He was 65. 

I wasn't sure how to feel about the news. I hadn't seen my dad in nine years. How are you suppose to grieve for an estranged parent? My first reaction was shocked numbness. I didn't really feel anything. And then I wept. My husband held me as I cried. I didn't really cry for the lose of a father. I couldn't really miss something I haven't had for the majority of my life. I mourned for the loss of what could have been...what should have been.

My parents divorced when I was ten. There were weekend visits with my dad, completely facilitated by my mom. My dad spent most of those weekends drinking with his friends, leaving us kids to our own devices. He lived on a 100 acres of land...I guess he figured we couldn't get into much trouble on our own. Between that and the missed holidays, it didn't take long for me to begin to understand that this whole fathering business just wasn't for my dad. And by the time I was seventeen, my dad had left the state...and he didn't leave a forwarding address. That pretty much put a period on my relationship with my dad.

I was angry at him for a really long time.

But my dad was who he was. I just wish that who he was would have had something to do with me or any of his kids. He never saw the need to change himself, or grow himself, to fit the role of "Father". And that is what I mourn for. The fact that he couldn't step up into the roll of being the dad we deserved.

For as often as I might say my dad was a terrible dad, I could also tell you that he was a great guy. Sometimes I wish I could have known him outside of a father-daughter dynamic. He was funny and easy going. He had a big smile and a great laugh. He enjoyed fishing, his rum and coke, and his smokes. He was true to himself, always.

June 1st, 2018

Hi.

It's been over a year since I've been to this space. *sigh* I've always felt a little silly blogging. Even though I've been doing it (on and off) for years.  Like many other things I do to try and "put myself out there", it tends to feed into my ever present feelings of being inadequate. It's something I've struggled with as an adult. It's something I'm working on all of the time.

And even though that voice is always in my mind telling me...I am not good enough, that no one really cares, that I am being dumb...my heart will not let me stop. And even though I haven't really thought much about this blog in a very long time....all of the sudden, it's in my heart to try and do this thing again.

Who am I to deny my heart?

I'm not sure I CAN deny my heart. It's fairly persistent. Just slightly more persistent than the voice in my head.

Here's to trying again (and again and again) and listening to your heart.

Let's Get Real

Hi, everyone! We are headed for the end of the year like a fright train. No matter the ups or the downs, life just keeps chugging along.

Before I go any further, I had someone ask about my new boots. They are the Smarty Riding Boot at Payless. These boots come with the option for an extended calf. I usually wear a 6.5 and I ordered the same size but with the extended calf. They are still on sale...so go and get yourself a pair right now!

I posted this on my Instagram (@justjinny - come find me) last night. It seemed to resonate with a lot of people. In this age of social media, it is really easy to walk around thinking everyone else has their shit together. How do people seem to always keep their house so perfectly tidy and decorated? How is it those kids always have on coordinating outfits and perfect hair-dos? Why does so-and-so always seem to be on vacation? It's like they all know the secret to life, but some how you missed the memo.

But there is no how-to manual for life. That photo of the perfectly set table is taken in front of the sink full of dirty dishes. And the photos of the kids was taken a split second before the baby threw up on her brother.  And so-and-so might be a jet-setter but their marriage is falling apart and they are swimming in debt.

It's all about perspective. And life is much too organic to be anything as mundane as cookie cutter.

All you really can do is try to live life as close to your authentic self as possible.  I follow a lady on Instagram that posted just today about how other people only share their highlight reel, and not their authentic "down and dirty" life. So she shared a photo of her inflamed stye in her eye. It ain't pretty, people. But that is her reality. It's so real, and I love that.

I just feel that if people weren't so afraid to share the shit parts of their life, we all might have less anxiety about how we are doing life. Instead of scrolling through social media comparing ourselves to everyone else, maybe we could actually make a true connection. If we were more willing to share our flaws, we would be able to better relate to other people's realness. We would be able to sigh with relief and say 'Oh, you too? I thought I was the only one!'

Because we are never the only ones!  We are all part of that club, the 'I have no clue what I'm doing' club. So, let's be authentic and real, let's admire those that seem to have it a little more together and encourage those that are trying to find their feet. Let's be honest and ask for advice, let's share all the tricks and tips.  Let's share the ugly and the pretty, the good and the bad. And let's support each other. We are all just clinging to this huge rock, hurtling through time and space, trying our damnedest to figure it all out.